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ness, that it seemed impossible I should distrust him again, or be any way anxious about any thing that should happen to me. 1 now enjoyed great sweetness in praying for absent friends, and for the enlargement of Christ's kingdom in the world. Much of the power of these divine enjoyments remained with me through the day. In the evening, my heart seemed to melt, and I trust was really humbled for indwelling corruption, and I mourned like a dove. I felt that all my unhappiness arose from my being a sinner. With resignation, I could bid welcome to all other trials; but sin hung heavy upon me; for God discovered to me the corruption of my heart. I went to bed with a heavy heart, because I was a sinner: though I did not in the least doubt of God's love. O that God would purge away my dross, and take away my tin, and make me ten times refined!
April 29. “I was kept off at a distance from God;—but had some enlargement in intercession for precious souls.
April 30. "I was somewhat dejected in spirit: nothing grieves me so much, as that I cannot live constantly to God's glory. I could bear any desertion or spiritual conflicts, if I could but have my heart all the while burning within me with love to God and desires of his glory. But this is impossible : for when I feel these, I cannot be dejected in my soul, but only rejoice in my Saviour, who has delivered me from the reigning power, and will shortly deliver me from the indwelling of sin.
May 1. "I was enabled to cry to God with fervency for ministerial qualifications, that he would appear for the advancement of his own kingdom, and that he would bring in the Hea then. Had much assistance in my studies. This has been a profitable week to me; I have enjoyed many communications of the blessed Spirit in my soul.
Lord's day, May 2. God was pleased this morning to give me such a sight of myself, as made me appear very vile in my own eyes. I felt corruption stirring in my heart, which I could by means suppress; felt more and more deserted; was exceeding weak, and almost sick with my inward trials.
May 3. "Had a sense of vile ingratitude. In the morning I withdrew to my usual place of retirement, and mourned for my abuse of my dear Lord; spent the day in fasting and prayer. God gave me much power of wrestling for his cause and kingdom; and it was a happy day to my soul. God was with me all the day; and I was more above the world, than ever in my life."
Through the remaining part of this week, he complains almost every day of desertion, inward trials and conflicts, attended with dejeciton of spirit; yet speaks of times of relief and sweetness, and daily refreshing visits of the divine Spirit. affording special assistance and comfort, and enabling him, at
times, to enjoy much fervency and enlargement in religious duties.
Lord's day, May 9. "I think I never felt so much of the cursed pride of my heart, as well as the stubbornness of my will before. O dreadful! what a vile wretch I am! I could submit to be nothing, and to lie down in the dust. Oh that God would humble me in the dust! I felt myself such a sinner, all day, that I had scarce any comfort. Oh when shall I be delivered from the body of this death! I greatly feared, lest through stupidity and carelessness I should lose the benefit of these trials. Oh that they might be sanctified to my soul! Nothing seemed to touch me but only this, that I was a sinner.-Had fervency and refreshment in social prayer in the evening.
May 10. "I rode to New-Haven; saw some Christian friends there; and had comfort in joining in prayer with them, and hearing of the goodness of God to them, since I last saw them.
May 11. "I rode from New-Haven to Wethersfield; was very dull most of the day; had little spirituality in this journey, though I often longed to be alone with God; was much perplexed with vile thoughts; was sometimes afraid of every thing: but God was my Helper. Catched a little time for retirement in the evening, to my comfort and rejoicing. Alas! I cannot live in the midst of a tumult. I long to enjoy God alone.
May 12. "I had a distressing view of the pride, enmity and vileness of my heart. Afterwards had sweet refreshment in conversing and worshipping God, with Christian friends.
May 13. "Saw so much of the wickedness of my heart, that I longed to get away from myself. I never before thought that there was so much spiritual pride in my soul. I felt almost pressed to death with my own vileness. O what a body of death is there in me! Lord, deliver my soul! I could not find any convenient place for retirement, and was greatly exercised. Rode to Hartford in the afternoon: had some refreshment and comfort in religious exercises with Christian friends; but longed for more retirement. O the closest walk with God is the sweetest heaven that can be enjoyed on earth!
May 14. "I waited on a council of ministers convened at Hartford, and spread before them the treatment I had met with from the rector and tutors of Yale College; who thought it adviseable to intercede for me with the rector and trustees, and to intreat them to restore me to my former privileges in college.* After this, spent some time in religious exercises with Christian friends.
*The application which was then made on his behalf, had not the desired
May 15. "I rode from Hartford to Hebron; was somewhat dejected on the road; appeared exceeding vile in my own eyes, saw much pride and stubbornness in my heart. Indeed I never saw such a week as this before; for I have been almost ready to die with the view of the wickedness of my heart. I could not have thought I had such a body of death in me. Oh that God would deliver my soul !"
The three next days (which he spent at Hebron, Lebanon, and Norwich) he complains still of dulness and desertion, and expresses a sense of his vileness, and longing to hide himself in some cave or den of the earth; but yet speaks of some intervals of comfort and soul-refreshment each day.
May 19. "(At Millington) I was so amazingly deserted this morning, that I seemed to feel a sort of horror in my soul. Alas! when God withdraws, what is there that can afford any comfort to the soul !"
Through the eight days next following, he expresses more calmness and comfort, and considerable life, fervency, and sweetness in religion.
May 28. "(At New-Haven) I think I scarce ever felt so calm in my life; I rejoiced in resignation, and giving myself up to God, to be wholly and entirely devoted to him for ever."
On the three following days, there was, by the account he gives, a continuance of the same excellent frame of mind last expressed; but it seems not to be altogether to so great a degree.
June 1. "Had much of the presence of God in family prayer, and had some comfort in secret. I was greatly refreshed from the word of God this morning, which appeared exceedingly sweet to me; some things which appeared mysterious, were opened to me. Oh that the kingdom of the dear Saviour might come with power, and the healing waters of the sanctuary spread far and wide for the healing of the nations! -Came to Ripton; but was very weak. However, being visited by a number of young people in the evening, I prayed with them."
The remaining part of this week, he speaks of being much diverted and hindered in the business of religion, by great weakness of body, and necessary affairs, to which he had to attend and complains of having but little power in religion; but observes, that God hereby showed him, that he was like a helpless infant cast out in the open field.
Lord's day, June 6." I feel much deserted but all this teaches me my nothingness and vileness more than ever.
June 7. "Felt still powerless in secret prayer. Afterwards I prayed and conversed with some little life. God feeds me with crumbs; blessed be his name for any thing. I felt a great desire that all God's people might know how mean and little and vile I am; that they might see I am nothing, that so they may pray for me aright, and not have the least dependence upon me.
June 8. "I enjoyed one sweet and precious season this day; I never felt it so sweet to be nothing, and less than nothing, and to be accounted nothing."
The three next days he complains of desertion, and want of fervency in religion; but yet his diary shows that every day his heart was engaged in religion, as his great, and, as it were only business.
June 12. "Spent much time in prayer this morning, and enjoyed much sweetness :-Felt insatiable longings after God much of the day. I wondered how poor souls do to live, that have no God. The world, with all its enjoyments, quite vanished. I see myself very helpless: but I have a blessed God to go to. I longed exceedingly to be dissolved, and to be with Christ, to behold his glory. O my weak weary soul longs to arrive at my Father's house!
Lord's day, June 13. "Felt somewhat calm and resigned in the public worship: at the sacrament saw myself very vile and worthless. Oh that I may always lie low in the dust. My soul seemed steadily to go forth after God, in longing desires to live upon him.
June 14. "Felt somewhat of the sweetness of communion with God, and the constraining force of his love; how admirably it captivates the soul, and makes all the desires and affections to centre in God !-I set apart this day for secret fasting and prayer, to intreat God to direct and bless me with regard to the great work which I have in view, of preaching the gospel -and that the Lord would return to me, and show me the light of his countenance. Had little life and power in the forenoon: near the middle of the afternoon, God enabled me to wrestle ardently in intercession for my absent friends: but just at night the Lord visited me marvellously in prayer. I think my soul never was in such an agony before. I felt no restraint; for the treasures of divine grace were opened to me. I wrestled for absent friends, for the ingathering of souls, for multitudes of poor souls, and for many that I thought were the children of God, personally, in many distant places. I was in such an agony from sun half an hour high, till near dark, that I was all over wet with sweat: but yet it seemed to me that I had wasted
away the day, and had done nothing. O my dear Saviour did sweat blood for poor souls! I longed for more compassion towards them. Felt still in a sweet frame, under a sense of divine love and grace; and went to bed in such a frame, with my heart set on God.
June 15. "Had the most ardent longings after God, which I ever felt in my life. At noon, in my secret retirement, I could do nothing but tell my dear Lord, in a sweet calm, that he knew I desired nothing but himself, nothing but holiness; that he had given me these desires, and he only could give me the thing desired. I never seemed to be so unhinged from myself, and to be so wholly devoted to God. My heart was swallowed up in God most of the day. In the evening I had such a view of the soul being as it were enlarged, to contain more holiness, that it seemed ready to separate from my body. I then wrestled in an agony for divine blessings; had my heart drawn out in prayer for some Christian friends, beyond what I ever had before. I feel differently now from what I ever did under any enjoyments before; more engaged to live to God for ever, and less pleased with my own frames. I am not satisfied with my frames, nor feel at all more easy after such strugglings than before; for it seems far too little, if I could always be so. O how short do I fall of my duty in my sweetest moments!"
In his diary for the two next days, he expresses somewhat of the same frame, but in a far less degree.*
June 18. "Considering my great unfitness for the work of the ministry, my present deadness, and total inability to do any thing for the glory of God that way, feeling myself very helpless, and at a great loss what the Lord would have me to do; I set apart this day for prayer to God, and spent most of the day in that duty, but amazingly deserted most of the day. Yet I found God graciously near, once in particular; while I was pleading for more compassion for immortal souls, my heart seemed to be opened at once, and I was enabled to cry with great ardency, for a few minutes. OI was distressed to think that I should offer such dead cold services to the living God! My soul seemed to breathe after holiness, a life of constant devotedness to God. But I am almost lost sometimes in the pursuit of this blessedness, and ready to sink, because I continually fall short, and miss of my desire. Oh that the Lord would help me to hold out, yet a little while, until the happy hour of deliverance comes!
*Here end the thirty first pages of the third volume of his diary, which he speaks of in the beginning of this volume, (as observed before) as containing a specimen of his ordinary manner of living, through the whole space of time, from the beginning of those two volumes that were destroyed.