Slike strani

Ripton:) I was lifted above the frowns and flatteries of this lower world, had a sweet relish of heavenly joys, and my soul did, as it were, get into the eternal world, and really taste of heaven. I had a sweet season of intercession for dear friends in Christ; and God helped me to cry fervently for Zion. Blessed be God for this season.

Aug. 21. “Was much perplexed in the morning.-Towards noon enjoyed more of God in secret; was enabled to see that it was best to throw myself into the hands of God, to be disposed of according to his pleasure, and rejoiced in such thoughts. In the afternoon rode to New-Haven; was much confused all the way.-Just at night, underwent such a dreadful conflict as I have scarce ever felt. I saw myself exceeding vile and unworthy; so that I was guilty, and ashamed that any body should bestow any favour on me, or show me any respect.

Lord's day, Aug. 22. "In the morning continued still in perplexity. In the evening enjoyed comfort sufficient to overbalance all my late distresses. I saw that God is the only soulsatisfying portion, and I really found satisfaction in him. My soul was much enlarged in sweet intercession for my fellow-men every where, and for many Christian friends in particular, in distant places.

Aug. 23. "Had a sweet season in secret prayer: the Lord drew near to my soul, and filled me with peace and divine consolation. Oh, my soul tasted the sweetness of the upper world; and was drawn out in prayer for the world, that it might come home to Christ! Had much comfort in the thoughts and hopes of the ingathering of the Heathen; was greatly assisted in intercession for Christian friends."

He continued still in the same frame of mind the next day, but in a less degree.

Aug. 25. "In family prayer, God helped me to climb up near him, so that I scarce ever got nearer.


The four next days he appears to have been the subject of desertion, and of comfort and fervency in religion, interchangeably, together with a sense of vileness and unprofitableness.

Aug. 30. "Felt somewhat comfortably in the morning; conversed sweetly with some friends; was in a serious composed frame; and prayed at a certain house with some degree of sweetness. Afterwards, at another house, prayed privately with a dear Christian friend or two; and, I think, I scarce ever launched so far into the eternal world as then; I got so far out on the broad ocean, that my soul with joy triumphed over all the evils on the shores of mortality. I think, time, and all its

gay amusements and cruel disappointments, never appeared so inconsiderable to me before. I was in a sweet frame; I saw myself nothing, and my soul reached after God with intense desire. Oh, I saw what I owed to God, in such a manner, as I scarce ever did! I knew that I had never lived a moment to him as I should do; indeed, it appeared to me, that I had never done any thing in Christianity: my soul longed with a vehement desire to live to God.-In the evening, sung and prayed with a number of Christians: felt the powers of the world to come in my soul, in prayer. Afterwards prayed again privately, with a dear Christian or two, and found the presence of God; was somewhat humbled in my secret retirement: felt my ingratitude, because I was not wholly swallowed up in God."

He was in a sweet frame great part of the next day.

Sept. 1. "Went to Judea, to the ordination of Mr. Judd. Mr. Bellamy preached from Matt. xxiv. 46. "Blessed is that servant," &c. I felt very solemn most of the time; had my thoughts much on that time when our Lord will come; that time refreshed my soul much; only I was afraid I should not be found faithful, because I have so vile a heart. My thoughts were much in eternity, where I love to dwell. Blessed be God for this solemn season.-Rode home to night with Mr. Bellamy, conversed with some friends till it was very late, and tired to rest in a comfortable frame.


Sept. 2. "About two in the afternoon, I preached from John vi. 67. Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away? and God assisted me in some comfortable degree; but more especially in my first prayer; my soul seemed then to launch quite into the eternal world, and to be as it were, separated from this lower world. Afterwards preached again from Isa. v. 4. What could have been done more, &c. God gave me some assistance; but I saw myself a poor worm."

On Friday, Sept. 3. He complains of having but little life in the things of God, the former part of the day, but afterwards speaks of sweetness and enlargement.

Sept. 4. Much out of health, exceedingly depressed in my soul, and at awful distance from God. Towards night, spent some time in profitable thoughts on Rom. viii. 2. For the law of the spirit of life, &c. Near night, had a very sweet season in prayer; God enabled me to wrestle ardently for the advancement of the Redeemer's kingdom; pleaded earnestly for my own dear brother John, that God would make him more of a pilgrim and stranger on the earth, and fit him for singular serviceableness in the world; and my heart sweetly exulted in the

Lord, in the thoughts of any distresses that might alight on him or on me, in the advancement of Christ's kingdom. It was a sweet and comfortable hour unto my soul, while I was indulged with freedom to plead, not only for myself, but also for many other souls.

Lord's day, Sept. 5. "Preached all day: was somewhat strengthened and assisted in the afternoon; more especially in the evening: had a sense of my unspeakable failures in all my duties. I found, alas! that I had never lived to God in my life.

Sept. 6. "Was informed, that they only waited for an opportunity to apprehend me for preaching at New-Haven lately, that so they might imprison me. This made me more solemn and serious, and to quit all hopes of the world's friendship; it brought me to a further sense of my vileness, aud just desert of this, and much more, from the hand of God, though not from the hand of man. Retired into a convenient place in the woods, and spread the matter before God.

Sept. 7. "Had some relish of divine things, in the morning. Afterwards felt more barren and melancholy. Rode to NewHaven to a friend's house, at a distance from the town; that I might remain undiscovered, and yet have opportunity to do business privately, with friends which come to commencement. Sept. 8. "Felt very sweetly, when I first rose in the morning. In family prayer, had some enlargement, but not much spirituality, till eternity came up before me, and looked near; I found some sweetness in the thoughts of bidding a dying farewell to this tiresome world. Though sometime ago I reckoned upon seeing my dear friends at commencement; yet being now denied the opportunity, for fear of imprisonment, I felt totally resigned, and as contented to spend this day alone in the woods, as I could have done, if I had been allowed to go to town. Felt exceedingly weaned from the world to-day. In the afternoon, I discoursed on divine things, with a dear Christian friend, whereby we were both refreshed. Then I prayed, with a sweet sense of the blessedness of communion with God: I think I scarce ever enjoyed more of God in any one prayer. O it was a blessed season indeed to my soul! I know not that ever I saw so much of my own nothingness, in my life; never wondered so, that God allowed me to preach his word. This has been a sweet and comfortable day to my soul. Blessed be God. Prayed again with my dear friend, with something of the divine presence. I long to be wholly conformed to God, and transformed into his image.

Sept. 9. "Spent much of the day alone; enjoyed the presence of God in some comfortable degree: was visited by some dear friends, and prayed with them: wrote sundry letters to friends felt religion in my soul while writing: enjoyed sweet

meditations on some scriptures. In the evening, went very privately into town, from the place of my residence at the farms, and conversed with some dear friends; felt sweetly in singing hymns with them and made my escape to the farms again, without being discovered by any enemies, as I knew of. Thus the Lord preserves me continually.

Sept. 10. "Longed with intense desire after God; my whole soul seemed impatient to be conformed to him, and to become "holy, as he is holy." In the afternoon, prayed with a dear friend privately, and had the presence of God with us; our souls united together to reach after a blessed immortality, to be unclothed of the body of sin and death, and to enter the blessed world, where no unclean thing enters. O, with what intense desire did our souls long for that blessed day, that we might be freed from sin, and for ever live to and in our God! In the evening, took leave of that house; but first kneeled down and prayed; the Lord was of a truth in the midst of us; it was a sweet parting season; felt in myself much sweetness and affection in the things of God. Blessed be God for every such divine gale of his Spirit, to speed me on in my way to the new Jerusalem! Felt some sweetness afterwards, and spent the evening in conversation with friends, and prayed with some life, and retired to rest very late."

The five next days, he appears to have been in an exceedingly comfortable frame of mind, for the most part, and to have been the subject of the like heavenly exercises as are often expressed in preceding passages of his diary; such as, having his heart much engaged for God, wrestling with him in prayer with power and ardency; enjoying at times sweet calmness and composure of mind, giving himself up to God to be his forever with great complacence of mind; being wholly resigned to the will of God, that he might do with him what he pleased; longing to improve time, having the eternal world, as it were, brought nigh; longing after God and holiness, earnestly desiring a complete conformity to him, and wondering how poor souls do to exist without God.

Sept. 16. "At night, enjoyed much of God, in secret prayer: felt an uncommon resignation, to be and do what God pleased. Some days past, I felt great perplexity on account of my past conduct: my bitterness, and want of christian kindness and love, has been very distressing to my soul: the Lord forgive me my unchristian warmth, and want of a spirit of meekness!

The next day, he speaks of much resignation, calmness, and peace of mind, and near views of the eternal world.

Sept. 18.

Felt some compassion for souls, and mourned that I had no more. I feel much more kindness, meekness, gentleness, and love towards all mankind, than ever. I long to be at the feet of my enemies and persecutors: enjoyed some sweetness in feeling my soul conformed to Christ Jesus, and given away to him for ever.

The next day, he speaks of much dejection and discouragement, from an apprehension of his own unfitness, ever to do any good in preaching; but blesses God for all dispensations of providence and grace; finding that by all God weaned him more from the world, and made him more resigned.

The next ten days, he appears to have been for the most part under great degrees of melancholy, exceedingly dejected and discouraged: speaks of his being ready to give up all for gone respecting the cause of Christ, and exceedingly longing to die: yet had some sweet seasons and intervals of comfort, and special assistance and enlargement in the duties of religion, and in performing public services, and considerable success in them.

Sept. 30. "Still very low in spirits; I did not know how to engage in any work or business, especially to correct some disorders among Christians; felt as though I had no power to be faithful in that regard. However, towards noon, I preached from Deut. viii. 2. And thou shalt remember, &c. and was enabled with freedom to reprove some things in Christians' conduct, I thought very unsuitable and irregular; insisted near two hours on this subject."

Through this and the two following weeks, he passed through a variety of exercises: he was frequently dejected, and felt inward distresses: and sometimes sunk into the depths of melancholy; at which turns he was not exercised about the state of his soul, with regard to the favour of God, and his interest in Christ, but about his own sinful infirmities, and unfitness for God's service. His mind appears sometimes extremely depressed and sunk, with a sense of inexpressible vileness. But in the mean-time, he speaks of many seasons of comfort, and spiritual refreshment, wherein his heart was encouraged and strengthened in God, and sweetly resigned to his will; of some seasons of very high degrees of spiritual consolation, and of his great longings after holiness, and conformity to God; of his great fear of offending God, and of his heart being sweetly melted in religious duties; of his longing for the advancement of Christ's kingdom, of his having at times much assistance in preaching, and of remarkable effects on the audience.



« PrejšnjaNaprej »