Be America First

ONGRESS is considering chang

CONGRES

ing the name of Mt. Rainier to Mt. Tacoma because Rainier is named for a British naval officer. Following out this line of thought they should also change about three-quarters of the names we now have in the Postal Guide. Then when this is accomplished they can get after the remaining one-quarter on the ground that these have come to us through the French, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, Danish, Finnish and Swedish tongues, and through others too numerous to mention. In fact it would be highly commendable for Congress to repeal the entire English language in the United States and substitute a more patriotic form of speech such as Sioux or Slangish. It is a pity that the patriots who signed the Declaration of Independence and voted for the Constitution did not think of these vital matters before holding the first directors' meeting after organization. We realize that to date so many necessary English words have been printed in the Congressional Record that it will undoubtedly be a hard job getting sufficient votes to pass the needed repeal bills. However,

Art

THE scenario writer found that he

needed a sub-title. He wrote down: "THAT NIGHT."

"What does that guy know about art!" muttered the scenario editor, witheringly, as he scratched out the title and wrote: "CAME THE EVENING."

"That won't do," said the film editor. "It's too matter-of-fact for the greatest production that Super-Diamond Masterpictures, Inc., have ever made." He changed it to: "CAME THE SHADOWS OF EVENTIDE."

The president of Super-Diamond Masterpictures, Inc., caught at the arm of the man next to him as the muchchanged title flashed upon his eye in the projection room.

"Here, Morris, is where we knock 'em dead!" he shouted excitedly. "I just thought of a beautiful line of poetry I read in the Exhibitors' Weekly which will fit right in here: 'WHEN NIGHT HAD FOLDED DOWN ITS SABLE WINGS'!"

The next day Will H. Hays characterized the motion picture as "a combination of all the arts, and greater than any one of them." H. M.

The Desirable Disease "To blame a young man for being in love is like chiding one for being ill."-Duclos.

S love a sickness? Let me then Be weakest, most unsound of men! Let love's high fever play its part Till it shall melt my frozen heart; Let love's chill ague shock and shake And all my selfish bondage break; Let love's consumption eat away The hardnesses of mortal clay; Let love's neuralgia prick and sting My faults that ever closely cling; And let love's lameness hold me fast And bind me to her side at last! By such desirables as these

I welcome love, the dear disease,

And count it veritable hell

If doctors ever call me well!

Amos R. Wells.

Appreciation

NE afternoon during the season a

ONE

little flapper decided to visit a famous picture-gallery. "Not that it matters about the pictures," she had told her friends, "but one always hears of the most thrilling things happening at such places, and, of course, there is nothing in the world like being thrilled."

Accordingly, for quite a while, she stalked the floor of the gallery, idly glancing at the many efforts on exhibit. None of them, however, seemed to divert her in the least, and as nothing of a thrilling nature had taken place, the flapper prepared to depart. Then, suddenly, she became all atten

tion and with the keenest interest began to stare at that which was set off by a simple gilt frame. Like nothing else in the entire establishment did it attract her, and she continued to gaze. You see, what the little gilt frame enclosed was merely a mirror.

For Old Times' Sake

"I SEE the Van Oddlesworths are giving a dinner party to-night." "Why, I thought they were divorced years ago."

"They were. This is their silver anniversary."

Applicant:

Independence Day is the day the American citizen celebrates something he had and mislaid..

JL

"Can't Show U. S. Films in Japan" is a headline. Somebody has surely made a mistake. We need more Japanese in this country.

HERE?

1.

Intelligence Test for Taxi Drivers

WHAT is the shortest distance between two points? Draw a diagram to illustrate your answer, giving all intersections, right-hand turns, detours and one-way streets. 2. What are traffic regulations? (Do the best you can with this question; you can't know everything.)

3. Explain the metric system. Can a clock be made to register more (a) by banging over the worst bumps in the road? (b) by speeding up and then jamming on the brakes? (c) by a little judicious work with a hammer and a screwdriver? When, if ever, should the light by the clock be turned on?

4. How long should you argue with a customer before you hit him?

5. Which, in your opinion, has the right of way: (a) a baby carriage? (b) a woman? (c) a mail truck?

6. What is change for a dollar? Five dollars? Ten dollars? Is there any such thing?

7. Solve the following problem. You have taken your fare from point X to point Y, stopping at points M, N and O on the way. The clock reads $14.60, but the fare refuses to pay it. It is now three-thirty in the morning, on a lonely road. The fare is wearing a platinum watch, a ruby stick pin and emerald cuff-links. There is a socket wrench in the right-hand pocket by the driver's seat. What, in the interests of your company, is the best thing to do? Henry William Hanemann.

Luxury

FIRST CITIZEN OF THE BRONX: Are you going to cele

brate the Fourth by going out of town, too? SECOND DITTO: Not on your life. I am going to wait until every one has gone, and then I'm going to ride downtown in the Subway-sittin' down!

S.S.U

Reg

I

The Old-Fashioned Fourth

AM an old-fashioned, dutiful father. I stay at home and bore my children on the Fourth of July. I help my sons

set off firecrackers and show them how we did it when I was

a boy. You ought to see them trying to appear interested. I am on hand to meet my daughters' callers. No amount of polite tolerance abashes me. I make the young men feel they are welcome in my house. Sometimes they almost make me feel the same way.

There is nothing like being what I call a "pal" to your youngsters. Last year, after the last rocket was sent up, my elder daughter slipped up to me and whispered, "Daddy, you've been wonderful all day. Will you let us go out to the Country Club now and have a good time?"

"THE OLD WINDMILL"

giving correspondence courses!

THIS PHOTOGRAPH WAS SENT BY TELEPHONE DIRECT FROM THE

CON

VENTION TO LIFE. THE TELEPHONE CONNECTION WAS NOT A GOOD ONE AND SO WE ARE NOT QUITE SURE WHO THE TWO MEN ARE, BUT AS WE UNDERSTOOD IT THEY ARE THOMAS J. NEELEY OR WHEELEY AND HENRY PETERS, DIETERS OR TEETERS, DELEGATES FROM EITHER MAINE OR SPAIN. THE GENERAL DIMNESS OF THE PHOTOGRAPH IS DUE TO THE FACT THAT SOMEONE HAD HIS RECEIVER DOWN, LISTENING IN TO CATCH A GLIMPSE OF THE PICTURE.

Those Convention "Angles"

The big newspapers of the country, having assigned
more aspiring reporters to cover the conventions
than there were delegates, are confronted with a
surplus of signed articles dealing with the various
"angles" of the meetings; articles by women re-
porters dealing with the "women's angle," by sport-
ing writers covering the "sporting angle," and by a
corps of special writers covering all special angles.
Usually one man was left in the newspaper office
while the rest of the staff were out at the conven-
tion hunting angles. We reproduce herewith some
of the over-set which is being held for use during
the conventions of 1928. It will be just as good
then-even better.

The Convention from the Children's Angle
By Roscoe Martle, Jr.

(Special Correspondence.)

Sidelights on the Convention from the Cross-word Puzzle Point of View