Use and Abuse of Silk Hats

SILK hats are coming back. They have been out so long that very few understand their use. The following directions should be carefully observed.

A silk hat should not be worn

When driving a Ford motor.

On the beach at summer resorts.

In upper berths of sleeping cars.

In drawing-rooms of Long Island houses (movie actors please note).

At golf tournaments.

A silk hat may be worn

At the funeral of a rich relative. (Do not, however, deem it essential to festoon the hat with flowers.)

At afternoon receptions. (Always leave the hat in a hat box on the piazza, or in a limousine, before entering.) At receptions to foreign ambassadors.

At church services. (If hat is placed in aisle, it should first be secured in barbed wire cage.)

At all weddings, afternoon or evening, including your own. (Hat, however, should be removed when approaching altar.) Note: If your hat is a comparatively new one, that is, one Dought since 1870, before being worn it should be sent to a competent landscape architect or city contractor to be gone over with a steam roller. If purchased before 1870, send to a good hairdresser for permanent wave.

The Colosseum is some arena, but it doesn't mean much to a citizen of Forest Hills since they built that new tennis bowl.

There is a thrill in London Bridge, of course, but what do you think of that one they are throwing across the Hudson at Bear Mountain?

The Leaning Tower of Pisa is all right, but we wouldn't stand for it in America. The contractor would have to make it good or we'd sue on his bond.

After hearing these foreign street songs, I know where the phonograph people get the music they put on the other side of a record. McCready Huston.

He: CONFOUND IT! EVERYTHING'S AT SIXES AND SEVENS. She: STILL TALKING ABOUT YOUR GOLF GAME, DEAR?

July 3d

"I'VE GOT A NOTION NOT TO WAIT!"

Mrs. Pep's Diary

Up betimes, and after my cook again for her failure with jellied soup, it having been possible to cut with a knife that which she served us last night; but she vouchsafed that she had done only what she could, so now, my own culinary ability being naught, I do think of writing to Mrs. Knox herself for inside information. Then did Grace Aiken come in, all a-twitter over an unkind letter she had received, and desirous that I should dictate her reply, if any; but as the only possible response was to call the writer a fool, profanely qualified, Grace did derive small solace from my counsel. . . Dora Homer to luncheon, and we fell a-talking of our class reunion last month, and how our feet had not stopped aching yet, and D. said she remembered naught of mathematics save that a straight line is the shortest distance between two given points, which had been impressed on her in her youth because the streets of Northampton were so steep and haphazard that she had been forced to make her head save her heels by cutting across lots when safe from detection.

"GOING AWAY FOR THE SUMMER?"

"NO, FOR THE WIFE."

Strothmann

The military system automatically settles all questions of relative rank; and on this vital subject there is absolutely no civilian authority.

In this great democracy nearly every citizen has by now some sort of title, and on all sides we see the wildest confusion.

Does a District Governor of Rotary go in to dinner ahead of an Exalted Cyclops?

Which should be in the center of the photograph, a Territorial Sales-Manager or a Bishop Coadjutor?

Does one present a Doctor of Philosophy to a National Committeeman, or vice versa?

Many a public meeting has been a complete failure because the chairman did not know where an Imperial Potentate ought to sit on the platform with relation to a Third Vice-President.

The etiquette books have dodged the subject. The Perfect Behavior columns in the newspapers are afraid to tackle it. Nothing is likely to be done until we turn the whole social organization over to the Army and Navy. They know how to handle things like that. Stoddard King.

Scots Wha Hae-and How They Do It

"How

OW did you screw up your courage to propose to the rich Mrs. MacTavish, Sandy?"

"Losh, mon, 'twas jist awfu'! I'd sworn I'd do it come Monday nicht, so I took her for a bit ride in a taxicab, and wi' one eye on the wee meter tickin' awa', I had her won at the end o' saxty cents."

DEVELOPMENT of the "perfect oyster" is freely pre

dicted by biologists. They fail to state, however, whether the new product can be counted upon to vote the straight Republican or Democratic ticket.

Yer Young