A very modest young gentleman, of the county of Tipperary, having attempted many ways in vain to acquire the af fections of a lady of great fortune, at last was resolved to try what could be done by the help of music, and therefore entertained her with a serenade under her windows at midnight; but she ordered her servant to drive him hence, by throwing stones at him. "Your music, my friend,” said one of his companions, "is as powerful as that of Orpheus, for it draws the very stones about you.” I was sitting beside my destined bride, One still, sentimental day; "How I long," said I, "but to make you cry, Fair Cecily blushed, her voice grew hushed, A sweet little creature was present at the recital of Chopin's music given by a famous prima donna. During the pathetic "Marche Funebre" from the sonata, opus 35, her attention was fixed, as if the music had entranced her very soul. Her eyes glistened with emotion, and her whole face was expressive of admiration and excitement. When the pianist had finished, the gentleman who was with this sweet little creature turned to her and said: "How beautiful!" To which she replied, "Yes, indeed; doesn't it fit her exquisitely in the back? How much do you suppose it cost a yard?" Determined beforehand we gravely pretend A poor dirty shoe-boy going into a church, one Sunday evening, and seeing the parish boys standing in a row upon a bench to be catechized, he gets up himself, and stands in the very first place; so the parson, of course beginning with him, asked him, What is your name?" "Rugged and Tough," answered he; "Who gave you that name?" said Domine: "Why the boys in our alley," replied poor Rugged and Tough. A devout gentleman being very earnest in his prayers in the church, it happened that a pick pocket, being near him, stole away his watch. Having ended his prayers, he missed the watch, and complained to his friend that it was lost while he was at prayers; to which his friend replied, “Had you watched as well as prayed, your watch had not been stolen," adding these following lines: "He that a watch will wear, this must he do, "I do so like to talk to you," she says softly, in a pause of the conversation, beaming on him and sighing. Why?" asks the unsuspecting youth. Because," she answers gently-"Because you are all ears!" 66 When a man goes on a journey there are two things which he ought always to take with him,—a full purse and no bundles. Two little girls aged four and six years, had just had new dresses, and were on their way to Sunday-school. Said Etta, the elder, "Oh, I have forgotten my verse!" "I haven't forgotten mine," replied the other; "it is, 'Blessed are the dressmakers.'" A skeptical hearer recently said to a minister: "How do you reconcile the teachings of the Bible with the latest conclusions of science?" "I haven't seen this morning's papers," naively replied the minister. "What are the latest conclusions of modern science?" A negro once prayed in meeting, that he and his brethren might be preserved from their upsettin' sins. "Brudder," said one of his friends at the close of the meeting, "you ain't got de right word. It's besettin' not upsettin”.” “Brudder," replied the other, "if dat's so it's so. But I was prayin' de Lord to save us from de sin ob 'toxication, an' ef dat ain't an' upsettin' sin I dunno what am.” 'Pa," said a little fellow to his unshaven father, “your chin looks like the wheel in the music box." "If there's no moonlight, will you meet me by gaslight, dearest Katie?" "No, Augustus, I won't; I am no gas meter." When George Colman the younger was asked if he knew Theodore Hook, he said, “Oh, yes; Hook and eye are often together." When is a horse like a victim of the inquisition? When he is fastened to the rack. Why are printers liable to bad colds? Because they always use damp sheets. What disease do reapers often get on hot days? A dropsickle affection. When may two people be said to be half witted? When they have an understanding between them. Why is an empty discourse like a solid one? Because it is all sound. How did the whale that swallowed Jonah obey the divine law? Jonah was a stranger, and he took him in. Why is a clock the most persevering thing in creation? Because it is never more inclined to go on with its business, than when it is completely wound up. Why is a vain young lady like a confirmed drunkard? Because neither of them is satisfied with a moderate use of the glass. Why are crockery-ware dealers unlike all other shop keepers? Because it won't do for them to crack up their goods. Why is a good actor like a good architect? Because they both draw good houses. Why is wit like a Chinese lady's foot? Because brevity's the sole of it. Why is a blacksmith like a safe steed? Because one is a horse-shoer and the other is a sure horse. Why is an eclipse like a man whipping his boy? It's a hiding of the sun. Why are policemen like the days of man? Because they are numbered. Why is a poor singer like a counterfeiter? Because he is an utterer of bad notes. What is it that a gentleman has not, never can have, and yet can give to a lady? A husband. Why didn't the last dove return to the ark? Because she had sufficient ground for remaining. Why is a book binder like charity? Because he often covers a multitude of faults. Why is a runaway horse like a sorrow stricken mortal? Because it is subject to many woes. New settlers in Texas will find plenty of elbow room if nothing else. One of them writes that he has "the Rio Grande for a bath tub and all Mexico for a back-yard." Speaking of one of his works to a critic a dramatic author said with the consciousness of modest worth: "It has bad many imitators." "Yes," replied the critic, "especially beforehand." A poor man who had a termagant wife, after a long dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last word, told her, that if she spoke one more crooked word, he'd beat her brains out. "Why then, ram's horns, you rogue," said she, "if I die for it." An impertinent young fellow, sitting at a table opposite the learned John Scott asked him, "What difference there was between Scott and sot?" "Just the breadth of the table," answered the other. An Irishman with a heavy bundle on his shoulder, was riding on a street car platform. He refused to put it down, saying: "The horses have enough to do to drag me, I'll carry the bundle." "I am at your service," said a young clerk the other evening to a handsome young lady, in answer to her inquiry for a bow. "I am," replied she, "much obliged to you, but I want a buff and not a green one." He sank into his shoes and she went out. A man who had brutally assaulted his wife was brought before Justice Cole, of New York, and had a good deal to say about "getting justice." "Justice!" replied Cole: "you can't get it here: this court has no power to hang you!" SUPPLEMENT TO One Hundred Choice Selections, No. 12 CONTAINING SENTIMENTS For Public Occasions; WITTICISMS For Home Enjoyment; LIFE THOUGHTS For Private Reflection; FUNNY SAYINGS For Social Pastime, &c. As the soil, however rich it may be, cannot be productive without culture, so the mind, without cultivation, can never produce good fruit. They serve God well Who serve His creatures. Seneca. Mrs Norton. Character, like porcelain ware, must be painted before it is glazed. There can be no change after it is burned in. Beecher. Oh swear not by the moon, th' inconstant moon, Next in importance to freedom and justice is popular education, without which neither justice nor freedom can be permanently maintained. Garfield. Pride (of all others the most dangerous fault) The men who labor and digest things most Will be much apter to despond than boast. Roscommon. As a countenance is made beautiful by the soul's shining through it, so the world is beautiful by the shining through it of God. Jacobi. When gratitude o'erflows the swelling heart, Lillo. |