King Charles II on a certain occasion paid a visit to Dr. Busby. The Doctor is said to have strutted through his school with his hat on his head, while his majesty walked complaisantly behind him, with his hat under his arm; but, when he was taking his leave at the door, the Doctor, with great humility, addressed him thus: "Sire, your majesty will, I hope, excuse my apparent want of respect; but if my boys were to imagine there was a greater man in the kingdom than myself, I should never be able to rule them."

A certain editor was taking a walk one evening with his wife, when she, who was somewhat romantic, and an admirer of nature, said: “Oh, Augustus, just notice the moon." 'Can't think of it, my dear, for less than twenty cents a line."

"But why did you leave your last place?" asked Mrs. Brown. "Och, mum," replied the young person, with a toss of her shapeless head, "they was that mean that there was no livin' wid em. If you'll belave it, mum, 'twas only yisterday that I wint intil the parlor and there was two of the gurruls a-playin' on one peeany and their father rich enough to buy a dozen and niver fale it!"

Jones (accompanied by his dog Snap) meets Brown, who accosts him with "Good morning, Jones; how's your dog Snap?" Jones-"Pretty well, I thank you; how are you?"

"Well, my little man, aren't you barefoot rather early this season?" said a benevolent gentleman to a youngster one morning. "Guess not. Wuz born barefoot, I wuz." "I declare, so you was, so you was. What a pity; what a pity. Well, Nature is unkind to the poor, really," and he gave the youngster a dime to atone for the neglect of the "mother of us all."

"Edward," said a mother to her son, a boy of eight, who was trundling a hoop in the front yard, “Edward you must not go out of that gate into the street." "No, ma, I won't," was the reply. A few minutes afterwards his mother saw him in the street manufacturing dirt pies. "Didn't I tell you," she said angrily," not to go through the gate?" "Well, I didn't mother," was the reply, "I climbed over the fence."

A philosopher carrying something hidden under his cloak, an impertinent person asked him what he had under his cloak. The philosopher answered:-"I carry it there that you might not know."

Three young conceited wits, as they thought themselves, passing along the road, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a mind to be rudely merry. “Good morrow, Father Abraham,” said one; “Good morrow, Father Isaac,” said the next; “Good morrow, Father Jacob,” cried the last. I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob," replied the old gentleman," but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his father's asses, and lo! here I have found them."

One Irishman meeting another asked what had become of their old acquaintance Patrick Murphy. "Arrah, now, honey," answered the other, "poor Pat was condemned to be hanged; but he saved his life by dying in prison."

A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer for money. The lawyer bade the boy tell his master that he was not running away, but was very busy at the time. The boy came again and told him he must have the money. "Did you tell your master," said the lawyer," that I was not running away?" "Yes, sir," answered the boy, "but he told me to tell you that he was."

Student (not very clear as to his lesson)-"That's what the author says, anyway." Professor-"I don't want the author; I want you!" Student (despairingly)--" Well, you've got me."

An Irish captain being on the ocean, many leagues from the most remote part of land, beheld at a short distance four sail of ships, and in the joy of his heart exclaimed, “Arrah! my lads, pipe all hands on deck to behold this rich landscape."

A gentleman having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call him the king of fools. "I wish," said the fellow one day, "you could make your words good, for I should then be the greatest monarch in the world."

A painter turned physician and a friend applauding him upon the change, said: "You have done well, for before, your faults could be discovered by the naked eye, but now they are all hid.”

An author, who had given a comedy into the hands of a manager for his perusal, called on him for his opinion of the piece. The poor author, in trembling anxiety, awaited the fate of his performance. The manager returned the play with a grave face saying:-"Sir, depend upon it, this is a thing not to be laughed at."

When is a chair like a lady's dress? When it's sat-in.

Why is a widow like a gardener? Because she tries to get rid of her weeds.

Why are blind persons compassionate? Because they feel for other persons.

When is a pretty girl like a ship? When she is attached to a buoy.

Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen? Because he rings his own (K) Nell.

Why is an interesting book like a toper's nose? Because it is rea (read) to the very end.

When is a bill like a gun? When it is presented and discharged.

Why was the sculptor "Powers" a great swindler? Because he chiseled the Greek slave out of a piece of marble. Why is a cigar-loving man like a tallow candle? Because ne will smoke when he is going out.

Why are teeth like verbs? They are regular, irregular and defective.

What is that which never flies, but when its wings are broken? An army.

Why is good cabbage the most amiable of vegetables? Because it's all heart.

Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because they both have crowns.

When is a man not a man? When he's a shaving. Why are pretty girls like fire-works? Because they soon go off.

Why is it absurd to ask a pretty girl to be candid? Because she cannot be plain.

What is that which never asks questions, yet requires many answers? The door bell.

Why is a neglected damsel like a fire which has gone out? Because she has not a spark left.

Who may marry many a wife, and yet live single all his life? A clergyman.

Why does a coat get larger when taken out of a carpet bag? Because you find it in-creases.

What is the most engaging work of art? A fashionable young lady.

Which is the favorite word with women? The last one.

Shuter, the celebrated English comedian, was once in disgrace with the audience, in consequence of some irregularities, and an apology was demanded. Shuter was somewhat tardy, and a lady was going on with her part, when the audience called out, "Shuter! Shuter!" The arch comedian peeped from behind the curtain, and said, “Pray do not shoot her; the lady is innocent, the fault is entirely my own." This put the house in good humor, and Shuter was received with applause.

66

Charles XII of Sweden was told, just before the battle of Narva, that the enemy was three to one. "I am glad to hear it," answered the king, “ for then there will be enough to kill, enough to take prisoners, and enough to run away." A man dying greatly in debt and the news coming to his creditors' ears, Farewell,” said one, “there is so much of mine gone with him." "And he carried off so much of mine," said another. Some one hearing them make their several complaints, said: "Well, I see now, that though a man can carry nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great deal of other men's."

During a visit which Queen Elizabeth made to the famous Lord Chancellor Bacon, at a small country house which he had built for himself before his preferment, she asked him why he had made for himself so small a house. “It is not I, madam,” answered he," who have made my house too small for myself, but your majesty who has made me too big for my house."

An English gentleman asked Sir Richard Steele, who was an Irishman, "What was the reason that his countrymen were so remarkable for blundering and making bulls?" 'Faith," said the knight, "I believe there is something in the air of Ireland, and I dare say, if an Englishman were born there he would do the same."

At a house where they do a great deal of fancy work and keep a white poodle, an innocent gentleman asked: "Who knit the dog?"

"What is the feminine of tailor?" asked a teacher of a class in grammar. "Dressmaker," was the prompt reply of a bright-eyed little boy.

A conceited coxcomb once said to a barber's boy, "Did you ever shave a donkey?” “Why, no sir,” replied the boy, "but if you will please to sit down I will try."

In the grammar department of one of our public schools, the teacher, after talking with her class on the subject of mythology, read to them as follows: "Vulcan, smith, architect, and chariot-builder for the gods of Mount Olympus built their houses, constructed their furniture,” etc. The following day the subject of the preceding day was given as a language lesson, and as no mention was made of Vulcan, the teacher asked the class who built the houses for the gods on Mount Olympus? For a while the children seemed lost in profound thought, when suddenly a gleam of intelligence illuminated the face of one little girl, and she replied, "I can't think of his first name, but his last name is Smith!"

A soldier was bragging before Julius Cæsar of the wounds he had received in his face. Cæsar, knowing him to be a coward, told him he had best take heed the next time he ran away, how he looked back.

A man who won't take off his hat to himself once in a while in summer must be a cold-blooded wretch.

A young lady has written to know what is a sure cure for love-sickness. As other eminent physicians have previously prescribed, we suggest the same old time-tried, fire-tested remedy-marriage. It has never been known to fail.

Just before the public schools in New Haven closed for the vacation, a lady teacher in one of the departments gave out the word "fob" for her class to spell. After it was spelled, as was her custom, she asked the meaning of it. No one knew. The teacher then told the class she had one, and was the only person in the room that had. After a little while a hand went hesitatingly up. Teacher-" Well, what is it?" "Please, ma'am, it's a beau."

"Why do guns burst?" asks a contemporary, and then devotes nearly a column to answering the question. Guns burst because powder is put into them. You might use a gun seven hundred years and it wouldn't burst if you kept powder out of it.

A young and learned gentleman who was to preach a probation sermon for a very good lectureship, had a very bad voice though otherwise an excellent preacher. A friend, when he came out of the pulpit, wished him joy, and said he would certainly carry the election, for he had nobody's voice against him but his own.