JOHN. Yes, it is their own business; and if they were on the point of sinking, would you raise a finger to keep their heads above water? No! Edward.-I cannot call you brother, I know you now. I leave your house to-day, but I do not go to the poor-house. I have money enough to buy and keep a hundred such little farms as yours, and a hundred such little men. I do not need your coats nor your cringing sympathies; I wanted to find you out. I wanted to know what kind of a man you were, and I know. When I came home, I determined to find out, in some way, whether you or the Jones family were most deserving of my money. I have found that out; and I go with them, to make my home there. MRS. S. But we didn't know JOHN. Ay, I know it. You thought I was a beggar; you thought I had no money and no clothes. If you had believed otherwise, you would have received me with open arms. Come (to Mr. and Mrs. Jones), we will go. I shall not forget you for your kindness. I will make my home with you; and if it is true that you have had hard enough work to keep your heads above water, it shall be so no longer. (To Mr. and Mrs. Simpson.) I had almost forgotten. Here are twenty dollars, for my two weeks' board (throwing down the bills). You see that although I may have a shabby appearunce, I am yet able to pay my way in the world. Good-day, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson. (Exit John Simpson, and Mr. and Mrs. Jones.) MRS. S. Isn't this dreadful! (Rushes out at one side of the stage.) MR. S. Confound the luck! (Rushes out at the other side of the stage.) [Curtain falls. NOTE. The above is taken from "Model Dialogues," which contains a pleasing variety of material for grown people, embracing humorous and character sketches, together with a host of Dialogues, Acting Charades, Tableaux, etc., for the young folks. 382 pages, in cloth binding, price $1.00. DID YOU EVER SEE A GHOST ?*-ROBERT C. V. MEYERS. CHARACTERS. MR. JOSIAH SKEPTIC. MRS. JOSIAH SKEPTIC. MR. TIMOTHY JESTER. MISS ARETHUSA SCOFFER, Mrs. Skeptic's sister. SCENE-Interior of the Skeptic drawing-room. Mr. Skeptic reading a newspaper, Mrs. Skeptic and Miss Scoffer doing some fancy work, Mr. Jester leaning back in an easy chair regarding Miss Scoffer. MR. SKEPTIC (indignantly). Another authenticated ghost story (throwing down the paper). To me it is simply disheartening that in this practical Nineteenth Century, there should still exist idiots sufficiently flagrant to believe in palpable spirits, appearances of disembodied essences and the like. I consider a newspaper highly culpable for giving space to such trash. To-morrow I write to the editor of this sheet, telling him that I withdraw my subscription. MRS. SKEPTIC. Josiah, what's the use of getting out of humor over a mere ghost? MR. JESTER (lazily). You act as though you had been accused of making one. MISS SCOFFER (laughing). Timothy, you are really too bad. I consider Josiah in the right in objecting to the nonsense. A ghost is said to be of the shape of the sound of a drum. How I should like to see one! MR. J. One what?-one sound of a drum? MISS S. One ghost! I think I said ghost, Timothy. Pray do not take me up so hastily. MR. J. It was you taking up the ghost hastily, Arethusa. MRS. S. There! you are both put out. How is it that engaged couples never argue but they become warm? Now old married people, such as Josiah and I, argue and argue, and keep as cool as possible; don't we, Josiah ?--we never have differences of opinion, do we, Josiah? MR. S. Jennie, I don't like the way my remarks are taken. I am naturally angry about the triviality of any one *Copyright, 1885, by P. GARRETT & Co. who will assume a belief in that impossibility which is called a ghost. Timothy laughs at me, Arethusa calls the subject under discussion the sound of a drum. Miss S. Why, I thought I was on your side, Josiah. MR. S. Well, you take the matter entirely too cheerfully. I say it is simply scandalous that MRS. S. And so do we. MR. S. Jennie, will you allow me to speak? I object to being choked off. MRS. S. Why Josiah! I was only choking off the ghost. MR. S. There you are again with your burlesque. I tell you the subject is one of importance. Miss S. A little while ago you insisted that there was no such thing as a ghost, and now you speak as though you defended such awesome creations. MR. S. Arethusa, I forgive you everything for that word "creations." All ghosts are creations; no man in this world ever saw one, and no man ever will see one. MR. J. How about MR. S. If you please, Timothy, we will not cite instances of people who vow that they have entertained such visitors. All creations of the fancy, sir, all creations of the fancy. I own that I am a little heated just now, and I trust you will pardon me; but I am eminently calm and practicable, if I am anything, and (becoming more and more emphatic) when I see a paper of the standing of this one, giving publicity to such maunderings, I am justified in falling-(In his excitement he has come to the edge of the chair and now tumbles to the floor. He picks himself up and rescats himself.) I was about to observe that I am justified in falling MRS. S. You appear to have taken the justification for granted, in your manner of precipitating yourself from the furniture. MR. S. I will be obliged to you, Jennie, if you will allow me to express myself. I say that I am justified in falling out with the editor for using his journal as a means of disseminating in the Nineteenth Century such preposterous imbecilities which-well, without making a speech about it, I give up this paper in the morning. MR. J. And yet there are people who vouch for these appearances. I will acknowledge a pet weakness of mine, I have always longed to see a ghost and upset its gravity. Often when I am about retiring, say at midnight MISS S. Midnight! You leave our house every night at 10.30, and it only takes you five minutes to get home! MR. J. Can't a fellow be wakeful simply because he's engaged? Do you consider a strong affection a sort of soporific? MR. J. That I went to clubs and lodges after 10.30. MRS. S. Really, if the casual mention of a ghost is going to ruin the tempers of all of us, we might as well change the subject. MR. J. Not at all; I was never in better humor. Ha! ha (frowning fiercely)! Miss S. Nor I. He! he (frowning and slapping her fancywork)! MR. J. I was on the point of remarking when I was interrupted Miss S. By me; I am extremely rude,—a perfect bear; I wonder that you ever fancied me. MR. J. (loudly.) When I retire about midnight MISS S. (loudly.) And you leave our house at 10.30! MR. J. (shouting.) I often hope that I shall see a ghost! MRS. S. Arethusa and Timothy, behave yourselves. Do you desire me to think that you care nothing for one another, when you are so easily touched as this? Let us talk sensibly, as Josiah suggests, about these intangible nothings. Timothy has mentioned twelve o'clock as the hour when he sometimes thinks of ghosts. Now why is it that ghosts are always associated with midnight? Why should they not appear at any hour, this hour,--six in the evening, as well as half a dozen hours later? What have ghosts to do with time? That indispensable qualification which makes all ghost stories equally incredible to me is the persistence of the vapory visitors using midnight as the moment of their disclosure. And with Timothy I must confess that sometimes at midnight MISS S. He leaves our house at 10.30! MR. J. Any one who did not know you, might suppose you jealous. MISS S. (weeping.) You're always insulting me; and you do leave our house at 10.30! MR. J. I never denied that important fact, I only said MISS S. I know what you said; and then you bit off my. head because I repeated it. You said you retire at midnight, and I said that you leave our house at 10.30; and I don't care who contradicts me, I insist that it is 10.30, and five minutes added to half-past ten never yet made twelve. I consider your conduct perfectly cruel, sir, and if you cannot treat me with more consideration, we had better part! MR. J. I coincide with you; it would be far better to part now, than to carry on a life of continual bickering and jealousy. MRS. S. Hush! hush! this is your first quarrel, and neither of you mean a word you say. Miss S. I do; it is 10.30! MR. J. And I do; we had better part! MRS. S. (rapidly.) I was saying that a ghost might as well present itself at this moment as to come some hours hence. Suppose we should see one now, what would we all do? MR. S. (who has been glowering at them all.) Jennie, will you put an end to this frivolity in reference to a subject so near my conscience? MRS. S. Josiah, don't be so ridiculous. MR. S. Your terms are beautifully selected. MRS. S. The idea of treating nonsense seriously! MRS. S. Yes, nonsense, or ghosts, whichever selected term you like best. And here we are all quarreling, and all about your old ghost! MR. S. My old ghost, indeed! Adhere to facts! MRS. S. Oh, he says that I prevaricate! You should be ashamed of yourself, Josiah! And married life is a snare; there! and I hope Arethusa and Timothy will take warning by us and-oh, that I should be called false! I do believe |