him four questions, he would forgive him the debt. To this proposal Ben very readily assented, and at the time appointed waited upon the landlord, who produced a bottle of wine, and then put to him these questions: "First, What pleases God? Secondly, What pleases the devil? Thirdly, What best pleases the world? And lastly, What best pleases me?" "Well," says Ben, directly:

"God is best pleased when man forsakes his sin; The devil's best pleased when men persist therein; The world's best pleased when you do draw good wine; And you 'll be best pleased when I pay for mine." The vintner was so well pleased with this impromptu, that he gave Ben a receipt in full for his debt, and treated him with a bottle into the bargain.

AT

12.

T the close of that season in which Shuter became so celebrated in the character of Master Stephen, in the comedy of "Every Man in his Humour," he was engaged to perform a few nights in a principal city in the north of England. It happened that the stage he went down in (and in which there was only an old gentleman and himself) was stopped on the other side of Finchley Common by a highwayman, who, having put the usual compliments to the old gentleman, and received his contribution, turned towards Shuter, who sat on the other side of the coach asleep, or at least pretending to be so; saluting him with a

smart slap on the face, and presenting his pistol, he commanded him to deliver his money instantly, or he was a dead man. 66 Money!" returns the droll, with a shrug, yawn, and countenance inexpressibly vacant, "Oh! sir, they never trusts me with any, for nuncle here always pays for me, turnpikes and all, your honour." The highwayman gave him a few curses for his stupidity, and rode off, while the old gentleman grumbled; and Shuter, with infinite satisfaction and mirth, pursued the rest of his journey.

13.

THE old Earl of Derby, who lived in the reigns of James and Charles I., wore such plain apparel, that he could not be distinguished by his garb from the better sort of farmers; and, coming to Court in his ordinary habit, was denied entrance into the Privy Chamber by a fine-dressed Scot, who told him that this was no place for ploughmen. The king, hearing a dispute at the chamber door, came out to know what occasioned it. To whom the earl said, "Nothing, my liege; but your countrymen, having left their manners and their rags behind them in Scotland, neither know themselves nor their betters." The king, being angry at the affront offered to so great a man, said, "My good Lord Derby, I am sorry for the affront given you by my servant; and, to make your lordship satisfaction, I will command him to be hanged, if your lordship desires it." The earl replied, "That

is too small an atonement for the affront put upon my honour, and I expect his punishment should be more exemplary." "Name it, my lord," said the king, "and it shall be done." "Why, then," said the earl, "I desire your Majesty will send him back to Scotland again."

14.

DOCTOR MOUNTAIN, chaplain to King

James I., waiting upon His Majesty when he was walking in St James's Park, the king said that he was more troubled how to dispose of the bishopric of London, which was then vacant, than he was of anything in his life; "for," said he, "there are many who apply for it with so strong an interest, that I know not to whom to give it." The doctor told His Majesty, that if he had faith, he might easily dispose of it. "How ?" asked the king. "If your Majesty," returned the doctor, "had as much faith as a grain of mustard-seed, you might say to this Mountain: 'Be thou removed, and be thou cast into that see.'" It is said that the king rewarded this piece of ready wit with the mitre.

15.

A COUNTRY clergyman, in the reign of Charles

II., being intruded upon by a great company of hungry gentlemen who came to his house, after he had told them that they were perfectly welcome, and ordered his servants to hasten dinner, took

his gown and prayer-book, and made as if he was going out. "Where are you going, doctor ?" said the gentlemen. He answered, "I will return in a minute; for I must go, while the dinner is getting ready, to pray by a poor man dying of the plague." Upon saying this, he went out immediately, and was quickly followed by all his visitors, who fled as if the plague was actually at their heels.

16.

MASTER SCOGIN, who lived in the time of

Edward IV., was often at his wits' end for money; and once he took it into his head to turn physician, and filling a box full of the powder of an old wooden post, he waited at the church door one Sunday till the old women came out. He succeeded in getting these round him, and told them that he had a sure receipt to kill fleas. Everybody bought a pennyworth, and Master Scogin made off. The old women strewed the powder in their beds and about their rooms, but the fleas continued as bad as ever. The next time Scogin showed himself, the wives flocked around him, crying, "Oh! this is the man that cheated us, and sold us the flea-powder. You're an honest man, aren't you, to sell poor women like us such villanous stuff as that!" "Why," interrupted Master Scogin, "aren't your fleas all dead ?" "No," said they, we've more than ever." "I wonder at that," he replied; "I'm afraid that you did not

66

we

"Ah!"

apply it properly." "Oh yes!" they said, ". scattered it in our beds and in our rooms." replied he, looking very grave, "that's where it is; there are some people who buy a thing and never ask what they are to do with it. I tell you, you should have taken every flea by the nape of the neck, and that makes a flea gape; and then you should have popped a grain of my powder down every flea's throat, and so you would never have been troubled with fleas again."

SOME

17.

OME one once sent in a piece to Elliston on approval, and hearing nothing of it, went to inquire. “My dear sir," said the manager, "I really know nothing whatever about this MS. of yours. Pray, what was the play called?" The other told him. "And the plot?" The dramatist explained. "Well," exclaimed Elliston, "I am very sorry, indeed; I recollect nothing of it, but (opening a drawer full of MSS.) you can take any three of these you please."

18.

ERROLD observed to a brother dramatist-Mr

P, who was not particularly remarkable for the originality of his plots—that he could never bear to go to the theatre on the first night of one of his own plays. Mr P- expressed much surprise. "Oh," said Jerrold, "it excites me too much." Mr P- -assured him that he had never