THE ANNUITY

I GAED to spend a week in Fife-
An unco week it proved to be-
For there I met a waesome wife
Lamentin' her viduity.

Her grief brak out sae fierce and fell,
I thought her heart wad burst the shell;
And, I was sae left to mysel',-

I sell't her an annuity.

、

The bargain lookit fair eneugh-
She just was turned o' saxty-three-

I couldna guessed she'd prove sae teugh,
By human ingenuity.

But years have come, and years have gane,
And there she's yet as stieve as stane-
The limmer's growin' young again,
Since she got her annuity.

She's crined' awa' to bane and skin,
But that, it seems, is nought to me;
She's like to live-although she's in
The last stage o' tenuity.

She munches wi' her wizen'd gums,
An' stumps about on legs o' thrums;
But comes, as sure as Christmas comes,
To ca' for her annuity.

I read the tables drawn wi' care

For an insurance company;
Her chance o' life was stated there,

Wi' perfect perspicuity.

But tables here or tables there,

She's lived ten years beyond her share,

An''s like to live a dozen mair,

To ca' for her annuity.

The Annuity

Last Yule she had a fearfu' host,

I thought a kink might set me free-
I led her out, 'mang snaw and frost,
Wi' constant assiduity.

But deil ma' care-the blast gaed by,
And miss'd the auld anatomy—
It just cost me a tooth, for bye
Discharging her annuity.

If there's a sough o' cholera,

Or typhus,-wha sae gleg as she?
She buys up baths, an' drugs, an' a',
In siccan superfluity!

She doesna need-she's fever proof-
The pest walked o'er her very roof-
She tauld me sae-an' then her loof
Held out for her annuity.

Ae day she fell, her arm she brak-
A compound fracture as could be-
Nae leech the cure wad undertake,
Whate'er was the gratuity.

It's cured! She handles 't like a flail-
It does as weel in bits as hale-
But I'm a broken man mysel'
Wi' her and her annuity.

Her broozled flesh and broken banes
Are weel as flesh and banes can be.
She beats the taeds that live in stanes,
An' fatten in vacuity!

They die when they're exposed to air-
They canna thole the atmosphere;
But her!-expose her onywhere-
She lives for her annuity.

If mortal means could nick her thread,
Sma' crime it wad appear to me;

Ca't murder, or ca't homicide,

I'd justify 't-an' do it tae.

351

But how to fell a withered wife

That's carved out o' the tree o' life-
The timmer limmer daurs the knife
To settle her annuity.

I'd try a shot: but whar's the mark?-
Her vital parts are hid frae me;
Her backbane wanders through her sark
In an unkenn'd corkscrewity.
She's palsified—an shakes her head
Sae fast about, ye scarce can see;
It's past the power o' steel or lead
To settle her annuity.

She might be drowned-but go she'll not
Within a mile o' loch or sea;

Or hanged-if cord could grip a throat
O'siccan exiguity.

It's fitter far to hang the rope—

It draws out like a telescope;

'Twad tak a dreadfu' length o' drop To settle her annuity.

Will puzion do't?-It has been tried;
But, be't in hash or fricassee,
That's just the dish she can't abide,
Whatever kind o' gout it hae.

It's needless to assail her doubts,
She gangs by instinct, like the brutes,
An' only eats an' drinks what suits
Hersel' and her annuity.

The Bible says the age o' man

Threescore and ten, perchance, may be; She's ninety-four. Let them who can,

Explain the incongruity.

She should hae lived afore the flood

She's come o' patriarchal blood,
She's some auld Pagan mummified
Alive for her annuity.

K. K.-Can't Calculate

She's been embalmed inside and oot-
She's sauted to the last degree-
There's pickle in her very snoot
Sae caper-like an' cruety.

Lot's wife was fresh compared to her-
They've kyanized the useless knir,
She canna decompose-nae mair
Than her accursed annuity.

The water-drop wears out the rock,
As this eternal jaud wears me;
I could withstand the single shock,
But not the continuity.

It's pay me here, an' pay me there,
An' pay me, pay me, evermair-
I'll gang demented wi' despair-
I'm charged for her annuity.

353

George Outram.

K. K.-CAN'T CALCULATE

WHAT poor short-sighted worms we be;
For we can't calculate,

With any sort of sartintee,

What is to be our fate.

These words Prissilla's heart did reach,
And caused her tears to flow,

When first she heard the Elder preach,
About six months ago.

How true it is what he did state,

And thus affected her,

That nobody can't calculate
What is a-gwine to occur.

When we retire, can't calculate
But what afore the morn
Our housen will conflaggerate,
And we be left forlorn.

Can't calculate when we come in
From any neighborin' place,
Whether we'll ever go out agin
To look on natur's face.

Can't calculate upon the weather,

It always changes so;

Hain't got no means of telling whether
It's gwine to rain or snow.

Can't calculate with no precision
On naught beneath the sky;
And so I've come to the decision
That 't ain't worth while to try.

Frances M. Whitcher.

NORTHERN FARMER

NEW STYLE

DOSN'T thou 'ear my 'erse's legs, as they canters awaäy? Proputty, proputty, proputty-that's what I 'ears 'em saäy. Proputty, proputty, proputty-Sam, thou's an ass for thy

paaïns:

Theer's moor sense i' one o' 'is legs nor in all thy braaïns.

Woä-theer's a craw to pluck wi' tha, Sam: yon's parson's

'ouse

Dosn't thou knaw that a man mun be eäther a man or a mouse?

Time to think on it, then; for thou'll be twenty to weeäk. Proputty, proputty-woä then, woä-let ma 'ear mysén speäk.

Me an' thy muther, Sammy, 'as beän a-talkin' o' thee; Thou's been talkin' to muther, an' she beän a-tellin' it me. Thou'll not marry for munny-thou's sweet upo' parson's lass

Noä-thou'll marry for luvv-an' we boäth of us thinks tha

an ass.