The Elderly Gentleman

"We're all a set of stupid fools

To think the skipper knows by tasting

What ground he's on- -Nantucket schools

Don't teach such stuff, with all their basting!"

And so he took the well-greased lead

And rubbed it o'er a box of earth
That stood on deck-a parsnip-bed-
And then he sought the skipper's berth.

"Where are we now, sir? Please to taste."
The skipper yawned, put out his tongue,
Then ope'd his eyes in wondrous haste,
And then upon the floor he sprung!

The skipper stormed and tore his hair,
Thrust on his boots, and roared to Marden,
"Nantucket's sunk, and here we are
Right over old Marm Hackett's garden!"

665

James Thomas Fields.

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN

By the side of a murmuring stream an elderly gentleman sat. On the top of his head was a wig, and a-top of his wig was his hat.

The wind it blew high and blew strong, as the elderly gentleman sat;

And bore from his head in a trice, and plunged in the river his hat.

The gentleman then took his cane which lay by his side as he sat;

And he dropped in the river his wig, in attempting to get out his hat.

His breast it grew cold with despair, and full in his eye madness sat;

So he flung in the river his cane to swim with his wig, and

his hat.

Cool reflection at last came across while this elderly gentle

man sat;

So he thought he would follow the stream and look for his cane, wig, and hat.

His head being thicker than common, o'er-balanced the rest of his fat;

And in plumped this son of a woman to follow his wig,

cane, and hat.

George Canning.

SAYING NOT MEANING

Two gentlemen their appetite had fed,

When opening his toothpick-case, one said,
"It was not until lately that I knew
That anchovies on terrâ firmâ grew.

"Grow!" cried the other, "yes, they grow, indeed,
Like other fish, but not upon the land;
You might as well say grapes grow on a reed,
Or in the Strand!"

"Why, sir," returned the irritated other,
"My brother,

When at Calcutta
Beheld them bonâ fide growing;

He wouldn't utter

A lie for love or money, sir; so in

This matter you are thoroughly mistaken."
"Nonsense, sir! nonsense! I can give no credit

To the assertion-none e'er saw or read it;

Your brother, like his evidence, should be shaken."

"Be shaken, sir! let me observe, you are

Perverse-in short-"

Sir," said the other, sucking his cigar,

And then his port

"If you will say impossibles are true,

You may affirm just anything you please-
That swans are quadrupeds, and lions blue,

And elephants inhabit Stilton cheese!

Saying not Meaning

Only you must not force me to believe
What's propagated merely to deceive."

"Then you force me to say, sir, you're a fool," Return'd the bragger.

Language like this no man can suffer cool:

It made the listener stagger;

So, thunder-stricken, he at once replied, "The traveler lied

Who had the impudence to tell it you;

"Zounds! then d'ye mean to swear before my face That anchovies don't grow like cloves and mace?" "I do!"

Disputants often after hot debates

Leave the contention as they found it-bone,
And take to duelling or thumping têtes;

Thinking by strength of artery to atone
For strength of argument; and he who winces
From force of words, with force of arms convinces!

With pistols, powder, bullets, surgeons, lint,

667

Seconds, and smelling-bottles, and foreboding,
Our friends advanced; and now portentous loading
(Their hearts already loaded) serv'd to show
It might be better they shook hands-but no;
When each opines himself, though frighten'd, right,
Each is, in courtesy, oblig'd to fight!

And they did fight: from six full measured paces
The unbeliever pulled his trigger first;
And fearing, from the braggart's ugly faces,
The whizzing lead had whizz'd its very worst,
Ran up, and with a duelistic fear

(His ire evanishing like morning vapors),
Found him possess'd of one remaining ear,
Who in a manner sudden and uncouth,
Had given, not lent, the other ear to truth;
For while the surgeon was applying lint,
He, wriggling, cried-" The deuce is in't-
"Sir, I meant-CAPERS!"

William Basil Wake.

HANS BREITMANN'S PARTY

HANS BREITMANN gife a barty;
Dey had biano-blayin':

I felled in lofe mit a Merican frau,
Her name was Madilda Yane.
She hat haar as prown ash a pretzel,
Her eyes vas himmel-plue,

Und ven dey looket indo mine,
Dey shplit mine heart in two.

Hans Breitmann gife a barty:
I vent dere, you'll pe pound.
I valtzet mit Madilda Yane

Und vent shpinnen round und round.
De pootiest Fräulein in de house,
She vayed 'pout dwo hoondred pound,
Und efery dime she gife a shoomp
She make de vindows sound.

Hans Breitmann gife a barty:
I dells you it cost him dear.
Dey rolled in more ash sefen kecks
Of foost-rate Lager Beer,

Und venefer dey knocks de shpicket in
De Deutschers gifes a cheer.

I dinks dat so vine a barty

Nefer coom to a het dis year.

Hans Breitmann gife a barty:
Dere all vas Souse und Brouse;
Ven de sooper comed in, de gompany
Did make demselfs to house.
Dey ate das Brot und Gensy broost,
De Bratwurst und Braten fine,

Und vash der Abendessen down

Mit four parrels of Neckarwein.

Ballad by Hans Breitmann

Ilans Breitmann gife a barty.

We all cot troonk ash bigs.

I poot mine mout to a parrel of bier,
Und emptied it oop mit a schwigs.
Und denn I gissed Madilda Yane
Und she shlog me on de kop,
Und de gompany fited mit daple-lecks
Dill be coonshtable made oos shtop.

Hans Breitmann gife a barty-
Where ish dat barty now!
Where ish de lofely golden cloud

Dat float on de moundain's prow?
Where ish de himmelstrahlende Stern-
De shtar of de shpirit's light?
All goned afay mit de Lager Beer-
Afay in de Ewigkeit!

669

Charles Godfrey Leland.

BALLAD BY HANS BREITMANN

DER noble Ritter Hugo

Von Schwillensaufenstein

Rode out mit shpeer and helmet,

Und he coom to de panks of de Rhine.

Und oop dere rose a meermaid,

Fot hadn't got nodings on,

Und she say, "Oh, Ritter Hugo,

Vhere you goes mit yourself alone?"

And he says, "I ride in de creenwood,
Mit helmet und mit shpeer,

Till I cooms into em Gasthaus,
Und dere I trinks some beer."

Und den outshpoke the maiden
Vot hadn't got nodings on:
"I ton't tink mooch of beoplesh
Dat goes mit demselfs alone.