SALLY SIMPKIN'S LAMENT

"OH! what is that comes gliding in,
And quite in middling haste?
It is the picture of my Jones,
And painted to the waist.

"It is not painted to the life;

For where's the trousers blue?

O Jones, my dear!-Oh, dear! my Jones,
What is become of you?"

"O Sally, dear, it is too true,-
The half that you remark
Is come to say my other half
Is bit off by a shark!

"O Sally, sharks do things by halves,
Yet most completely do!

A bite in one place seems enough,
But I've been bit in two.

"You know I once was all your own,
But now a shark must share!
But let that pass-for now to you
I'm neither here nor there.

"Alas! death has a strange divorce

Effected in the sea,

It has divided me from you,

And even me from me!

"Don't fear my ghost will walk o' nights

To haunt, as people say;

My ghost can't walk, for, oh! my legs

Are many leagues away!

"Lord! think when I am swimming round,

And looking where the boat is, A shark just snaps away a half, Without a quarter's notice.'

Death's Ramble

"One half is here, the other half

Is near Columbia placed;

O Sally, I have got the whole
Atlantic for my waist.

"But now, adieu-a long adieu!

I've solved death's awful riddle,
And would say more, but I am doomed
To break off in the middle!"

801

Thomas Hood.

DEATH'S RAMBLE

ONE day the dreary old King of Death
Inclined for some sport with the carnal,
So he tied a pack of darts on his back,
And quietly stole from his charnel.

His head was bald of flesh and of hair,
His body was lean and lank;

His joints at each stir made a crack, and the cur
Took a gnaw, by the way, at his shank.

And what did he do with his deadly darts,

This goblin of grisly bone?

He dabbled and spilled man's blood, and he killed Like a butcher that kills his own.

The first he slaughtered it made him laugh

(For the man was a coffin-maker),

To think how the mutes, and men in black suits, Would mourn for an undertaker.

Death saw two Quakers sitting at church;
Quoth he, "We shall not differ."

And he let them alone, like figures of stone,
For he could not make them stiffer.

He saw two duellists going to fight,

In fear they could not smother;

And he shot one through at once-for he knew
They never would shoot each other.

He saw a watchman fast in his box,

And he gave a snore infernal;

Said Death," He may keep his breath, for his sleep Can never be more eternal."

He met a coachman driving a coach
So slow that his fare grew sick;
But he let him stray on his tedious way,
For Death only wars on the quick.

Death saw a tollman taking a toll,
In the spirit of his fraternity;

But he knew that sort of man would extort,
Though summoned to all eternity.

He found an author writing his life,
But he let him write no further;
For Death, who strikes whenever he likes,
Is jealous of all self-murther!

Death saw a patient that pulled out his purse,
And a doctor that took the sum;

But he let them be-for he knew that the "fee"
Was a prelude to "faw" and "fum."

He met a dustman ringing a bell,
And he gave him a mortal thrust;
For himself, by law, since Adam's flaw,
Is contractor for all our dust.

He saw a sailor mixing his grog,

And he marked him out for slaughter;
For on water he scarcely had cared for death,
And never on rum-and-water.

Panegyric on the Ladies

Death saw two players playing at cards,
But the game wasn't worth a dump,
For he quickly laid them flat with a spade,
To wait for the final trump!

803

Thomas Hood.

PANEGYRIC ON THE LADIES

READ ALTERNATE LINES

THAT man must lead a happy life
Who's free from matrimonial chains,

Who is directed by a wife

Is sure to suffer for his pains.

Adam could find no solid peace

When Eve was given for a mate;

Until he saw a woman's face

Adam was in a happy state.

In all the female race appear
Hypocrisy, deceit, and pride;
Truth, darling of a heart sincere,
In woman never did reside.

What tongue is able to unfold

The failings that in woman dwell?
The worth in woman we behold
Is almost imperceptible.

Confusion take the man, I say,

Who changes from his singleness, Who will not yield to woman's sway Is sure of earthly blessedness.

Unknown.

AMBIGUOUS LINES

READ WITH A COMMA AFTER THE FIRST NOUN IN EACH LINE

I SAW a peacock with a fiery tail

I saw a blazing comet pour down hail
I saw a cloud all wrapt with ivy round
I saw a lofty oak creep on the ground
I saw a beetle swallow up a whale
I saw a foaming sea brimful of ale

I saw a pewter cup sixteen feet deep

I saw a well full of men's tears that weep
I saw wet eyes in flames of living fire

I saw a house as high as the moon and higher
I saw the glorious sun at deep midnight
I saw the man who saw this wondrous sight.

I saw a pack of cards gnawing a bone
I saw a dog seated on Britain's throne
I saw King George shut up within a box
I saw an orange driving a fat ox

I saw a butcher not a twelvemonth old

I saw a great-coat all of solid gold

I saw two buttons telling of their dreams

I saw my friends who wished I'd quit these themes.

Unknown.

SURNAMES

MEN once were surnamed for their shape or estate (You all may from history worm it),

There was Louis the bulky, and Henry the Great,
John Lackland, and Peter the Hermit:

But now, when the doorplates of misters and dames
Are read, each so constantly varies;

From the owner's trade, figure, and calling, surnames
Seem given by the rule of contraries.