CHAPTER XI

The Family still resolve to hold up their heads.

MICHAELMAS-EVE happening on the next day, we were invited to burn nuts and play tricks at neighbour Flamborough's. Our late mortifica tions had humbled us a little, or it is probable we might have rejected such an invita tion with contempt: however, we suffered ourselves to be happy. Our honest neigh bour's goose and dumplings were fine; and the lamb's wool, even in the opinion of my wife, who was a connoisseur, was excellent. It is true, his manner of telling stories was not quite so well. They were very long and very dull, and all about himself, and we had laughed at them ten times before: however, we were kind enough to laugh at them once more.

The fortune-telling Gipsy."-p. 11.

Mr. Burchell, who was of the party, was always fond of seeing some innocent amusement going forward, and set the boys and girls to blindman's buff. My wife too was persuaded to join in the diversion, and it gave me plea. sure to think she was not yet too old. In the meantime, my neighbour and I looked on, laughed at every feat, and praised our own dexterity when we were young. Hot-cockles succeeded next, questions and commands followed that, and, last of all, they sat down to hunt the slipper. As every person may not be acquainted with this primeval pastime, it may be necessary to observe, that the company, in this play, plant themselves in a ring upon the ground, all except one, who stands in the middle, whose business it is to catch a shoe, which the company shove under their hams from one to another, something like a weaver's shuttle. As it is impossible, in this case, for the lady who is up to face all the company at once, the great beauty of the play lies in hitting her a thump with the heel of the shoe on that side least capable of making defence. It was in this manner that my eldest daughter was hemmed and thumped about, all blowzed in spirits, and bawling for fair play with a voice that might deafen a ballad-singer, when, confusion on confusion, who should enter the room but our two great acquaintances from town, Lady Blarney and Miss Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs! Description would but beggar, therefore it is unnecessary to describe this new mortification. Death! to be seen by ladies of such high breeding in such vulgar attitudes! Nothing better could ensue from such a vulgar play of Mr. Flamborough's proposing. We seemed struck to the ground for some time, as if actually petrified with amazement.

the concluding part of the present conversation.

"All that I know of the matter," cried Miss Skeggs, "is this, that it may be true or it may not be true; but this I can assure your ladyship, that the whole rout was in amaze; his lordship turned all manner of colours, my lady fell into a swound; but Sir Tomkyn, drawing his sword, swore he was hers to the last drop of his blood."

"Well," replied our

peeress, "this I can say, that the duchess never told me a syllable of the matter, and I believe her grace would keep nothing a secret from me. This you may depend on as

a fact, that the next morning my lord duke cried out three times to his valet-de-chambre, 'Jernigan! Jernigan! bring me my garters.'

But previously I should have mentioned the very impolite behaviour of Mr. Burchell, who, during this discourse, sat with his face turned towards the fire, and at the conclusion of every sentence would cry out Fudge! an expression which displeased us all, and in some measure damped the rising spirit of the conversation.

"Besides, my dear Skeggs," continued our peeress, "there is nothing of this in the copy of verses that Dr. Burdock made upon the occasion." Fudge!

"I am surprised at that," cried Miss Skeggs; "for he seldom leaves anything out, as he writes only for his own amusement. But can your ladyship favour me with a sight of them?" Fudge! "My dear creature," replied our peeress, "do you think I carry such things about me? Though they are very fine, to be sure, and I think myself something of a judge; at least, I know what pleases myself. Indeed, I was ever an admirer of all Dr. Burdock's little pieces; for, except what he does, and our dear Countess at Hanover-square, there's nothing comes out but the most low stuff in nature-not a bit of high life among them." Fudge!

"Your ladyship should except," says the other, "your own things in the Lady's Magazine. I hope you'll say there's nothing low-lived there! But I suppose we are to have no more from that quarter?" Fudge!

"Why, my dear," says the lady, "you know my reader and companion has left me, to be married to Captain Roach; and as my poor eyes won't suffer me to write myself, I have been for some time looking out for another. A proper person is no easy matter to find, and to be sure thirty pounds a year is a small stipend for a well-bred girl of character, that can read, write, and behave in company; as for the chits about town, there is no bearing them about one." Fudge!

do plain work an hour in the day; another thought twenty-five guineas a-year too small a salary; and I was obliged to send away the third because I suspected an intrigue with the chaplain. Virtue, my dear Lady Blarney, virtue is worth any price; but where is that to be found?" Fudge!

The ladies had been at our house to see us, and finding us from nome, came after us hither, as they were uneasy to know what accident could have kept us from church the day before Olivia "That I know," cried Miss Skeggs, "by experience, for of the undertook to be our prolocutor, and delivered the whole in a sum-three companions I had this last half-year, one of them refused to mary way, only saying,-"We were thrown from our horses." At which account the ladies were greatly concerned; but being told the family received no hurt, they were extremely glad; but being informed that we were almost killed by the fright, they were vastly sorry; but hearing that we had a very good night, they were extremely glad again. Nothing could exceed their complaisance to my daughters; their professions the last evening were warm, but now they were ardent. They protested a desire of more lasting acquaintance. Lady Blarney was particularly attached to Olivia; Miss Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs (I love to give the whole name) took a greater fancy to her sister. They supported the conversation between themselves, while my daughters sat silent, admiring their exalted breeding. But as every reader, however beg. garly himself, is fond of high-lived dialogues, with anecdotes of lords, ladies, and knights of the garter, I must beg leave to give him

My wife had been for a long time all attention to this discourse, but was particularly struck with the latter part of it. Thirty pounds and twenty-five guineas a-year made fifty-six pounds five shillings, English money; all of which was in a manner going a begging, and might easily be secured in the family. She for a moment studied my looks for approbation; and, to own a truth, I was of opinion that two such places would fit our two daughters exactly. Besides, if the squire had any real affection for my eldest daughter, this would be the way to make her every way qualified for her fortune. My wife, therefore, was resolved that we should

necessary, alleging that her cousin Thornhill's recommendation | are of his purchasing. He always stands out and higgles, and would be sufficient; and upon this we rested our petition.

""

families of the great; but when one once gets in, then, as Moses says, one may go to sleep.' To this piece of humour, for she intended it for wit, my daughters assented with a loud laugh of pleasure. In short, such was her satisfaction at this message, that she actually put her hand in her pocket and gave the messenger sevenpence halfpenny.

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This was to be our visiting-day. The next that came was Mr. Burchell, who had been at the fair. He brought my little ones a pennyworth of gingerbread each, which my wife undertook to keep for them, and give them by letters at a time. He brought my daughters also a couple of boxes, in which they might keep wafers, snuff, patches, or even money when they got it. My wife was usually fond of a weasel-skin purse, as being the most lucky; but this by the by. We had still a regard for Mr. Burchell, though his late rude behaviour was in some measure displeasing; nor could we now avoid communicating our happiness to him, and asking his advice. Although we seldom followed advice, we were all ready enough to ask it. When he read the note from the two ladies, he shook his head, and observed that an affair of this sort demanded the utmost circumspection. This air of diffidence highly displeased my wife. "I never doubted, Sir," cried she, your readiness to be against my daughters and me. You have more circumspection than is wanted. However, I fancy, when we come to ask advice, we shall apply to persons who seem to have made use of it themselves." Whatever my own conduct may have been, Madam," replied he, "is not the present question; though, as I have made no use of advice myself, I should in conscience give it to those that will." As I was apprehensive this answer might draw on a repartee, making up by abuse what it wanted in wit, I changed the subject, by seeming to wonder what could keep our son so long at the fair, as it was now almost nightfall. "Never mind our son, cried my wife; "depend upon it he knows what he is about. I'll warrant we'll never see him sell his hen on a rainy day. I have seen him buy such bargains as would amaze one. I'll tell you a good story about that, that will make you split your sides with laughing. But as I live, yonder comes Moses, without a horse, and the box at his back."

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a third of the value. The first gentleman, who pretended to be my friend, whispered me to hem, and cautioned me not to let so good an opportunity pass. sent for Mr. Flamborough, and they talked him up as finely as they did me; and so at last we wer persuaded to buy the two gross between us.'

CHAPTER XIII.

Mr. Burchell is found to be an Enemy; for he has the Confidence to give
disagreeable Advice.
OUR family had now made several attempts to be fine; but some
unforeseen disaster demolished each as soon as projected. I endea-
voured to take the advantage of every disappointment, to improve
their good sense, in proportion as they were frustrated in ambition.
"You see, my children," cried I, "how little is to be got by at-
tempts to impose upon the world, in coping with our betters. Such
as are poor, and will associate with none but the rich, are hated by
those they avoid, and despised by those they follow. Unequal
combinations are always disadvantageous to the weaker side; the
rich having the pleasure, and the poor the inconveniences, that re-
sult from them. But come, Dick, my boy, and repeat the fable
you were reading to day, for the good of the company."

Once upon a time," cried the child, "a giant and a dwarf were friends, and kept together. They made a bargain that they never would forsake each other, but go seek adventures. The first battle they fought was with two Saracens; and the dwarf, who was very courageous, dealt one of the champions a most angry blow. It did the Saracen but very little injury, who, lifting up his sword, fairly struck off the poor dwarf's arm. He was now in a woful plight; but the giant coming to his assistance, in a short time left the two Saracens dead on the plain, and the dwarf cut off the dead man's head out of spite. They then travelled on to another adventure. This was against three bloody-minded satyrs, who were earrying away a damsel in distress. The dwarf was not quite so fierce now as before; but for all that struck the first blow, which was returned by another that knocked out his eye; but the giant was soon up with them, and had they not fled, would certainly have and the damsel who was relieved fell in love with the giant and married him. They now travelled far, and farther than I can tell, till they met with a company of robbers. The giant, for the first time, was foremost now: but the dwarf was not far behind. The battle was stout and long. Wherever the giant came all fell before him; but the dwarf had like to have been killed more than once. At last the victory declared for the two adventurers; but the dwarf lost his leg. The dwarf had now lost an arm, a leg, and an eye, while the giant was without a single wound. Upon which he cried out to his little companion, My little hero, this is glorious sport; let us get one victory more, and then we shall have honour for ever. No,' cries the dwarf, who by this time was grown wiser, no; I declare off; I'll fight no more: for I find, in every battle, that get all the honour and rewards, but all the blows fall upon me. I was going to moralize upon this fable when our attention was called off to a warm dispute between my wife and Mr. Burchell, upon my daughters' intended expedition to town. My wife very strenuously insisted upon the advantages that would result form it. Mr. Burchell, on the contrary, dissuaded her with great ardour, and I stood neuter. Ilis present dissuasions seemed but a second part of those which were received with so ill a grace in the morning. The dispute grew high, while poor Deborah, instead of reasoning stronger, talked louder, and at fast was obliged to take shelter from a defeat in clamour. The conclusion of her harangue, however, was highly displeasing to us all: she knew, she said, of some who had their own secret reasons for what they advised; but for her part, she wished such to stay away from her house for the future. Madam," cried Burchell, with looks of great composure, which tended to inflame her the more, as for secret reasons, you are right. I have secret reasons, which I forbear to mention, because you are not able to answer those of which I make no secret. But I find my visits here are become troublesome; I'll take my leave, therefore, now, and perhaps come once more to take a final farewell when I am quitting the country." Thus saying, he took up his hat, nor could the attempts of Sophia, whose looks seemed to upbraid his precipitancy, prevent his going.

you

As she spoke, Moses came slowly on foot, and sweating under the deal-box which he had strapped round his shoulders like a pcd-killed them, every one. They were all very joyful for this victory; lar. Welcome! welcome, Moses! Well, my boy, what have you brought us from the fair?' "I have brought you myself," cried Moses, with a sly look, and resting the box on the dresser. Ay, Moses," cried my wife, "that we know, but where is the horse?" "I have sold him," cried Moses, "for three pounds, five shillings, and twopence." "Well done, my good boy," returned she, "I knew you would touch them off. Between ourselves, three pounds, five shillings, and twopence is no bad day's work. Come, let us have it, then." "I have brought back no money," cried Moses, again, I have laid it all out in a bargain, and here it is," pulling out a bundle from his breast; "here they are; a gross of green spectacles, with silver rims and shagreen cases." A gross of green spectacles!" repeated my wife, in a faint voice. And you have parted with the colt, and brought us back nothing but a gross of green paltry spectacles!" Dear mother," cried the boy, "why won't you listen to reason? I had them a dead bargain, or I should not have bought them. The silver rims alone will sell for double the money." A fig for the silver rims!" cried my wife, in a passion: "I dare say they won't sell for above half the money at the rate of broken silver, five shillings an ounce. You need be under no uneasiness," cried I, "about selling the rims, for they are not worth sixpence; for I perceive they are only copper varnished over." What," cried my wife, not silver! the rims not silver!" "No," cried I, no more silver than your saucepan. And so," returned she, we have parted with the eolt, and have only got a gross of green spectacles, with copper rims and shagreen cases! A murrain take such trumpery. The block head has been imposed upon, and should have known his company better!" There, my dear," cried I, "you are wrong; he should not have known them at all. Marry, hang the idiot!" returned she, "to bring me such stuff; if I had them I would throw them in the fire. There again, you are wrong, my dear," cried I; "for though they be copper, we will keep them by us, as copper spectacles, you know, are better than nothing."

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By this time the unfortunate Moses was undeceived. He now saw that he had indeed been imposed upon by a prowling sharper, who, observing his figure, had marked him for an easy prey. I therefore asked him the circumstances of his deception. He sold the horse, it seems, and walked the fair in search of another. A reverend-looking man brought him to a tent, under pretence of having one to sell. "Here," continued Moses, "we met another man, very well dressed, who desired to borrow twenty pounds upon these, saying that he wanted money, and would dispose of them for

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When gone, we all regarded each other for some minutes with confusion. My wife, who knew herself to be the cause, strove to hide her concern with a forced smile, and an air of assurance, which I was willing to reprove. "How, woman," cried I to her, is it thus we treat strangers? Is it thus we return their kindness? Be assured, my dear, that these were the harshest words, and to me the most unpleasing, that ever escaped your lips." "Why

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would he provoke me then?" replied she;" but I know the motives of his advice perfectly well. He would prevent my girls from going to town, that he may have the pleasure of my youngest daughter's company here at home. But, whatever happens, she shall choose better company than such low-lived fellows as he.' Low-lived, my dear, do you call him!" cried I; "it is very possible we may mistake this man's character; for he seems, upon some occasions, the most finished gentleman I ever knew. Tell me, Sophia, my girl, has he ever given you any secret instances of his attachment?" His conversation with me, Sir," replied my daughter, "has ever been sensible, modest, and pleasing. As to aught else; no, never. Once, indeed, I remember to have heard him say, he never knew a woman who could find merit in a man that seemed poor." "Such, my dear," cried I, "is the common cant of all the unfortunate of idle. But I hope you have been taught to judge properly of such men, and that it would be even madness to expect happiness from one who has been so very bad an economist of his own. Your mother and I have now better prospects for you. The next winter, which you will probably spend in town, will give you opportunities of making a more prudent choice."

CHAPTER XIV.

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shaded his temples, and his green old age seemed to be the result of health and benevolence. However, his presence did not interrupt our conversation: my friend and I discoursed on the various turns of fortune we had met; the Whistonian controversy, my last pamphlet, the archdeacon's reply, and the hard measure that was dealt me. But our attention was in a short time taken off by the appearance of a youth, who, entering the room, respectfully said something softly to the old stranger. "Make no apologies, my child," said the old man: "to do good is a duty we owe to all our fellow creatures; take this; I wish it were more; but five pounds will relieve your distress, and you are welcome." The modest youth shed tears of gratitude, and yet his gratitude was scarcely equal to mine. I could have hugged the old man in my arms, his benevolence pleased me so. He continued to read, and we resumed our conversation, until my companion, after some time, recollecting that he had business to transact in the fair, promised to be soon back: adding, that he always desired to have as much of Dr. Prim rose's company as possible. The old gentleman hearing my name mentioned, seemed to look at me with attention for some time, and when my friend was gone, most respectfully demanded if I was in What Sophia's reflections were upon this occasion, I cannot any way related to the great Primrose, that courageous monoga pretend to determine; but I was not displeased at the bottom, that mist, who had been the bulwark of the church. Never did my we were rid of a guest from whom I had much to fear. Our breach heart feel sincerer rapture than at that moment. "Sir,” cried I, of hospitality went to my conscience a little; but I quickly sithe applause of so good a man as I am sure you are, adds to that lenced that monitor by two or three specious reasons, which served happiness in my breast which your benevolence has already excited. to satisfy and reconcile me to myself. The pain which conscience You behold before you, Sir, that Dr. Primrose the monogamist, gives the man who has already done wrong is soon got over. Con- whom you have been pleased to call great. You here see that unscience is a coward, and those faults it has not strength enough to fortunate divine, who has so long, and it would ill become me to prevent, it seldom has justice enough to accuse. say successfully, fought against the deuterogamy of the age.' Sir," cried the stranger, struck with awe, I fear I have been too familiar; but you'll forgive my curiosity, Sir: I beg pardon.' Sir," cried I, grasping his hand, “you are so far from displeasing me by your familiarity, that I must beg you'll accept my Fresh Mortifications, or a Demonstration that seeming Calamities may friendship, as you already have my esteem. Then with gratibe real Blessings, tude I accept the offer," cried he, squeezing me by the hand, thou glorious pillar of unshaken orthodoxy; and do I behold-"I here interrupted what he was going to say; for though, as an author, I could digest no small share of flattery, yet now my modesty would permit no more. However, no lovers of romance ever cemented a more instantaneous friendship. We talked upon several subjects; at first, I thought him rather devout than learned, and began to think he despised all human doctrines as dross. Yet this no way lessened him in my esteem; for I had for some time begun privately to harbour such an opinion myself. I therefore took occasion to observe, that the world in general began to be blameably indifferent as to doctrinal matters, and followed human speculations too much "Ah, Sir," replied he, as if he had reserved all his learning to that moment-"ah, Sir, the world is in its dotage, and yet, the cosmogony or creation of the world has puzzled philosophers of all ages. What a medley of opinions have they not broached upon the creation of the world? Sanchoniathon, Manetho, Berosus, and Ocellus Lucanus, have all attempted it in vain. The latter has these words, Anarchon ara kai atelutaion to pan, which imply that all things have neither beginning nor end. Manetho also, who lived about the time of Nebuchadon-Asser, Asser being a Syriac word usually applied as a surname to the kings of that country, as Teglat Phael-Asser; Nabon-Asser-he, I say, formed a conjecture equally absurd; for as we usually say, ek to biblion knbernetes, which implies, that books will never teach the world; so he attempted to investigate--But, Sir, I ask pardon; I am straying from the question." That he actually was; nor could I for my life see how the creation of the world had any thing to do with the business I was talking of: but it was sufficient to show me that he was a man of letters, and I now reverenced him the more. I was resolved therefore to bring him to the touchstone; but he was too mild and too gentle to contend for victory. Whenever I made an observa tion that looked like a challenge to controversy, he would smile, shake his head, and say nothing, by which I understood he could say much if he thought proper. The subject, therefore, insensibly changed from the business of antiquity to that which brought us to the fair; mine, I told him, was to sell a horse: and very luckily, indeed, his was to buy one for one of his tenants. My horse was soon produced, and in fine we struck a bargain. Nothing now remained but to pay me, and he accordingly pulled out a thirtypound note, and bid me change it. Not being in a capacity of complying with his demand, he ordered his footman to be called up, who made his appearance in a very genteel livery. "Here, Abraham," cried he, "go and get gold for this; you'll do it at neighbour Jackson's, or any where." While the fellow was gone, he entertained me with a pathetic harangue on the great scarcity of silver, which I undertook to improve, by deploring also the great scarcity of gold; so that by the time Abraham returned, we had both

THE journey of my daughters to town was now resolved upon. Mr. Thornhill having kindly promised to inspect their conduct himself, and inform us by letter of their behaviour. But it was thought indispensably necessary that their appearance should equal the greatness of their expectations, which could not be done without expense. We debated, therefore, in full council, what were the easiest methods of raising money; or, more properly speaking, what we could most conveniently sell. The deliberation was soon finished. It was found that our remaining horse was utterly use. less for the plough without his companion, and equally unfit for the road, as wanting an eye; it was therefore determined that we should dispose of him for the purpose above mentioned, at the neighbouring fair; and to prevent imposition, that I should go with him myself. Though this was one of the first mercantile transactions of my life, yet I had no doubt about acquitting myself with reputation. The opinion a man forms of his own prudence is measured by that of the company he keeps, and as mine was mostly in the family way, I had conceived no unfavourable sentiments of my worldly wisdom. My wife, however, next morning, at parting, after I had got some paces from the door, called me back to advise me, in a whisper, to have all my eyes about me.

I had, in the usual orms, when I came to the fair, put my horse through all his paces, but for some time had no bidders. At last a chapman approached, and after he had a good while examined the horse round, finding him blind with one eye, he would have nothing to say to him; a second came up, but observing he had a spavin, declare he would not take him for the driving home; a third perceived he had a windgall, and would bid no money; a fourth knew by his eye that he had the bots; a fifth wondered what a plague I could do at the fair with a blind, spavined, galled hack, that was only fit to be cut up for a dog-kennel. By this time Í began to have a most hearty contempt for the poor animal myself, and was almost ashamed at the approach of every customer; for though I did not entirely believe all the fellows told me, yet I reflected that the number of witnesses was a strong presumption they were right; and St. Gregory upon good works, professes himself to be of the same opinion.

I was in this mortifying situation, when a brother clergy man, an old acquaintance, who had also business at the fair, came up, and shaking me by the hand, proposed adjourning to a public-house, and taking a glass of whatever we could get. I readily closed with the offer, and entering an alehouse, we were shown into a little back room, where there was only a venerable old man, who sat wholly intent over a large book which he was reading. I never in my life saw a figure that prepossessed me more favourably. His locks of silver gray venerably

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