me, and I wish you would go with me and look at the chain, and tell me whether it is good gold or not." The idea of mistaking poor Paddy-who, to my certain knowledge, goes to the "praste" as regularly as he goes to his meals-for a Jew, and then coming to me, a Jew, with the above request, had something so ridiculous in it, that I experienced hard work in keeping my risibles down. I told my friend the captain, however, that he was quite right-that Irish Jews were least of any to be trusted. I went with him, looked at the chain, and on my recommendation he purchased it. A chaplain of an Illinois regiment, in speaking to me of two brothers, remarked that one of them was a Jew, and a mean man; and "the other not a Jew, and a perfect gentleman!" Some soldiers congregated in my store the other day, got to speaking as to the best way of discovering whether a man was a Jew or not. One of them stoutly asserted that every Dutchman was a Jew. Others made observations equally wise. But one of them finally capped the climax by asserting that every man who fell on the original price he asked for an article was a Jew! These are some of their bulls. But there is some genuine wit among the boys. An Irish soldier belonging to the Seventh Indiana Cavalry brought me an old brass watch to fix, which looked as though the boys had been playing football with it in camp. It was well worth ten dollars to repair it, and I asked him whether he wanted it fixed at that figure. "Och and sure I will," was the reply; "if you'll agree to take the watch as part pay!" Two soldiers belonging to the Second Iowa Cavalry came into my store the other day. One of them wanted to buy a silver lever watch, while the other only meant to act as an additional judge. I showed them a silver lever watch, telling them at the same time that it had thirteen jewels. "Do you think," asked the would-be purchaser of his friend, "do you think that watch has thirteen jewels?" "Thirteen jewels!" replied that worthy, winking hard at me; "of course it has, and there are holes punched for more!" "PAT," our man of all work, has recently come over, and one day I gave him an ear of corn to eat. He evidently liked it very much, but I guess he was eating it for the first time; for after he had eaten all that was on the cob, he passed it up to me again, and said, "Will ye plase put some more pase on my stick!" HERE is an instance of remarkable presence of mind in a considerate husband: A lady who had been traveling during the past summer, on her return home wrote to a distant friend an account of her journey, and, among other things, of the following adventure: "I concluded my various exploits by suddenly visiting old Neptune's bed at the bottom of the ocean. Not of my own free-will, however. I was forcibly thrown from the deck of the ship, as we were out on a fishing excursion. As usual, my good-man was after me in a twinkling, and caught me as I reappeared on the surface, and with prompt assistance from the boat I was fished up again, a sorry looking specimen of humanity, but all sound and unharmed, though a very narrow escape," etc.; and after some more matters, she added, "I am going to leave room for to speak for himself. I think he is able, as he is now fifty years old." So the husband-the "good-man"-does speak for himself, and adds a P.S., in which, among other things, he says: "Mrs. tells me she has writ ten to you about her being saved from being food for fishes by the subscriber. Well, it may be so, but she had on a great lot of jewelry, which I thought was worth saving, particularly as gold now is pretty high!" A RESIDENT of California sends to the Drawer this reminiscence of his youth: In the back part of Massachusetts, "among the pines," was a place called Jucketham, a few of the inhabitants of which labored in a furnace in the vicinity, while the balance were engaged in cutting down and carting the wood, which covered most of the country around. Any one possessing a horseframe and rickety wagon could earn a scanty living by taking it into the city of New Bedford, at the rate of a dollar a load, payable in groceries, the main bulk of which, however, was generally carried home in a stone jug, alongside of the sleeping driver, who depended for his safe but not speedy arrival on the sagacity of the quadruped. The It so happened that a young couple of this section proposed matrimony, and as they belonged to the aristocracy it seemed imperative that the thing should come off with some éclat. Accordingly numerous invitations were issued, and corresponding preparations made for the important event. The house consisted of two rooms; the larger one, having a fire-place and chimney of rough stones laid up in mud and topped out with a barrel, was to be used first for the entertainment of the guests during the services, and afterward for the bridal apartment. This was early filled by the assemblage, some seated upon the bed, some on blocks of wood, etc., and the rest, including the expectant bride and groom, standing around promiscuous-like. other room was used as a bedroom for the family, and was then occupied by the invalid mother of the bride. After the minister had properly united the pair "for better or worse," the refreshments were passed around. These consisted of some New England rum, which was poured from the broken spout of an earthen tea-pot, which had lost its handle, into a wine-glass, the bowl only of which remained. The bottomless wine-glass having been duly honored by the "happy couple," and circulated from guest to guest, the minister announced that they would proceed with the concluding exercises (which, on extraordinary occasions like the present, consisted of a "hem" sung by the whole company, followed by a prayer and benediction), and requested if any one had any particular choice in the selection of the hymn that they would make it manifest. Upon this the old lady sung out from the bedroom that "if there was no special choice, and the company didn't object, she wished they would jest sing a hem which seemed to her to fit exactly this solemn occasion. She couldn't tell exactly where it was, but it went somehow so: Since he is mine and I am his, MANY years ago, in a pretty little village in the Buckeye State, there was taught, during the winter, a country school, and thither flocked the children of the surrounding country, for the laudable purpose of getting an education. The teacher, Mr. Brown, was a good, hard-working, faithful man, as many a successful farmer and business-man of the through Alexandria, Louisiana. An old and probably near-sighted woman coming to the door, and seeing the red-petticoated soldiers pass, exclaimed, "Mercy! what is the Government coming to, when it has to fetch its wimen to war!" Northwest will willingly testify. He was also a religious man, and spared no pains to inculcate good morals among his charge. On one occasion a little black-eyed, curly-headed, sunny-faced girl, some twelve years of age, was detected by some of her companions in a lie, which being duly reported to Mr. Brown, he took the earliest occasion to reprimand and lecture her upon the enormity of the sin. The little girl sobbed bitterly as Mr. Brown concluded by saying, "Now, Betty, you have lost both your character and the respect of your school-mates; and it remains for you to confess your guilt, and to strive by your future conduct to regain both." Here a little carroty-headed, white-eyed, freckled-faced youngster, who had got as far as Baker in his wellthumbed spelling-book, and who had intently listened to all that had been said, unable longer to contain the information with which he was bursting, rose, and in a squeaking voice said, "Please, Mister Brown, I think Tom Jones has found 'em both, for I've seen him chawing something all the morning." The effect of this announcement can be bet-"From what State ?" "Illinois." "Illinois [pa ter imagined than described. Mr. Brown himself was unable to preserve his dignity, and school was dismissed at three o'clock. THE following lightning story shows us why the telegraph is so given to lying: In a little sea-port on Long Island Sound, not many hours from the Metropolis, resides an old coasting skipper, whose marvelous tales of adventure by sea and land, if collected and published, would render the copy-right of Munchausen's travels worthless. Here is a story of his, for a sample: "It's close on to thirty years ago that I was coming down the Sound in the old sloop Sally; 'twas summer-time, and the wind was to south'ard. All of a sudden the wind died away, and it commenced thick'ning up to north'ard and west'ard. I had an idee that we was goin' to hev a thunder squabble, and took in sail and waited for it. Byme-by here it come, feather white, as fur as you could see; and such thunder and lightning and rain as I guess was never seen before in these latitudes. The mate was at the helm and I was standing at the companionway, the lightning striking all around the sloop, when, suddenly, after a big flash, I felt a curious feeling-a cold chill, like I had swallowed quicksilver, come over me. I got down below as soon as I could, and set down on the locker, feeling mighty streaked, I can tell you! The squall soon passed over, and I felt all right except an onaccountable feeling about my feet. I sung out for the cook, who pulled off my boots, and, strange to say, although it is the truth, I turned out of each one nigh on to a pint of the electric fluid." OUR Lulie, a black-eyed one of six, came into her grandmother's room one day, and looking up with her grave little face, said, "I've been praying to God, grandma." "Well, little one, for what did you ask?" "I've been praying to God, and I've been telling him he is too good; he gives us six days, and only keeps one himself; and I've been telling him he must take more. It's too much for us-it is too much!" THIS comes from the mouth of White River, Arkansas: During the Red River campaign, last spring, a New York regiment of Zouaves was marching ONE day, during a time when we were on short rations, one of the messes of my company had something a little extra for dinner; and going on the principle of "every man for himself," it was not long till the table was cleared. One of the boys, who happened to be out at dinner-time, came in just as the rest had finished. Disappointed in not having a good dinner, he commenced growling at them for eating it all up, and not saving some for him. A little fellow in the mess looked up at him and said, "Why, confound it, Bill, can't you take a joke!" "HAVE you relatives in the army?" asked a Second Lieutenant of a lady sitting in the car seat with him. "Yes." "Your husband?" "Yes, Sir." tronizingly] has sent some fine troops, ma'am. Your husband wears a strap, I presume?" "Yes, Sir." "Is he with the Potomac army ?" " "Yes, Sir." 66 May I inquire his name?-I am acquainted with a good many brother officers there." "Certainly, Sir-Ulysses S. Grant." (Exit Lieutenant for smoking-car.) AN urchin in school reading about a singular gentleman, was asked by the teacher what the expres sion meant. The boy promptly answered, "A man that isn't married!” "OIL CITY," as all know who ever visited that thriving and busy spot, is celebrated for the great depth of the mud in its streets-a quantity and quality of mud that baffles description. During the past "rainy season" the mud has attained a greater depth than ever before, attended with a loss of patience and petroleum altogether unexampled. In view of this state of things, some wag astonished the weary pilgrims by affixing to a post a huge placard announcing "a fine of ten dollars for riding or driving faster than a walk through this street!" WE close the Drawer with this one, fresh from the army: We were lying near Brandy Station last winter, and the officers of our staff endeavored to relieve the ennui of camp-life by frequent visits to the fatr secesh maidens of the surrounding country. One of our staff became quite enamored with a young lady in Culpepper, more noted for her secession ideas than for her beauty. On one of his visits she requested the loan of some books, and the next day he sent over a parcel containing, among other books, Victor Hugo's "Les Miserables." To his surprise the orderly returned with the books, and a message from the fair one that she "didn't want any of his nasty Yankee trash." Not exactly understanding it, he rode over in the evening to inquire what was wrong. The young lady's eyes flashed as she demanded to know how he dared to insult her by sending her a book about "Lee's Miserables." She knew that General Lee's men weren't as well dressed as the Yankees, but they weren't miserable one bit, and it was all a Yankee falsehood to say that they were. |