them first, grouping them under two heads that will occur to you, and then exercise your sense of humor.

After you have done this, you may resolve to reform-if you wish.

But the sense of humor will be your real salvation. If it doesn't save you, you're a goner.

Of all social duties you will find that your greatest and most loved is the composite one of keeping "hep" with somebody who is geared faster, socially and financially, than you are. This is the duty that, properly respected, makes you fuss so ridiculously at the grocer and the landlord about the high cost of living.

Another well-recognized duty is that of becoming prominently solicitous about the welfare of the heathen at home and abroad. This is a costly duty that demands much sacrifice and domestic activity; but it is worthy, for the heathen, who get one or two per cent. of the affluence displayed, needs the

"constitutional psychopathic inferiority," but why not just make it unconstitutional and let it go at that?

Taking the tariff out of politics has this in its favor-the exasperated business men may take it out on the politicians who don't. In giving that ten-cent tip to a Des Moines messenger boy, President Wilson unwittingly violated the Iowa anti-tipping law. It's all right, though, for him to give his countrymen a tip on preparedness or even for the band to play "Take a little tip from Father."

Extra-Judicial Comment

CHAMP CLARK will oppose the “oner

ous stamp taxes." Fine work! An onerous stamp tax is that particular tax which any particular taxpayer stamps as

onerous.

In view of the pervasiveness of Col. E. M., the severest critic of the present administration can no longer allege that our ambassadors abroad are insufficiently Housed.

Senator Newlands (Dem., Nevada) approves of all the Democrats have done except the execution of it.

Colonel Bryan may still favor 16-to-1, but he isn't in favor of limiting 1916 to one.

Without additional defences, the average congressman from the Middle West is prepared to fight any foreign man-of-war that dares cross the Prairies.

Senator Underwood (Dem., Ala.) says that the main trouble with railroad regulation is that it has been "destructive, not constructive," "piecemeal, not comprehensive." Looks like Alabama aspires to lead not only the roll of states, but of statesmanship.

salesman fingered the umbrella handle with a practiced touch, and the-vast alpaca dome rose majestically and locked itself open with a loud click. A second knowing twist, and the umbrella was closed. "Very simple when you grasp the principle of the spring action, and especially handy when one has things to carry." He smiled his genial recognition of a suburbanite. Mr. Tomlin nodded dignified approval, and lovingly examined the mechanism. In youth he had yearned to be a great in

ventor, and even yet any clever device held a powerful appeal. Ungrudgingly he paid the substantial price, and departed with his patent umbrella for the 5:15.

That evening young Calvert came out from town to call upon Miss Bessie Tomlin. Spring was near and his tender hopes began to bourgeon bravely in flowers and candy, though he was still abashed by Miss Bessie's mischievous eyes and ironical tongue. In spite of his timidity, he was an obliging youth, and when Mrs. Tomlin wanted to get a letter into the box for the 9:30 collection, he promptly volunteered to mail it. Bessie, discovering that it had

Papa's umbrella; and Papa, agreeing, came to open it and exhibit its inner mysteries with proper pride. Calvert's weakest point was mechanics, but he did his best to concentrate, under Bessie's laughing gaze, and started for the corner carrying the treasure with due respect. He beguiled the trip by visualizing the bright living room, with Bessie and the phonograph waiting to go on with his fox-trot lesson, and enjoyed a thrill at the bold longing that the arrangement might be permanent.

Thus pleasurably employed, he returned to the porch, and instinctively made the usual high sign for closing an umbrella. Nothing happened, though he went on trying for a few moments, absently laying the trouble to stiff joints. Then, with sudden dismay, he realized that he had to deal with a trick umbrella, and that he had lost the combination. Was it a spring you pressed-or did something turn around, or maybe slide up or pull down? Long and

PROPER MUZZLE FOR A BIRD DOG

cautiously he experimented, trembling lest he harm some delicate adjustment, but all in vain. It seemed to him that years passed as he stood there, making little movements which had no meaning of their own, while the gusty northeast wind soused rain into his new lavender socks, and hooted at his efforts. At last, he heard footsteps in the vestibule. In a sudden panic, he felt that he could not bear to be discovered standing there, engaged in futile struggle with an umbrella handle. The high porch had no railing, and he silently parachuted off into a nice soft crocus bed, and hid just around the corner of the house, as the front door opened.

MARCH

"I thought I heard him," said Mr. Tomlin's voice. "Wonder what's up. He's been gone long enough to find a dozen letter boxes!"

"He's eloped with your fascinating new 'brolly, Dad!" called the voice of Bessie's objectionable half-grown brother. Calvert ground his teeth, as Brother came out and strolled upon the porch, evidently waiting for the wanderer. Finally he went in, with a loud and cheerful suggestion that Bessie's little beau must have got kidnapped; and Calvert ventured back to the steps, where it was somewhat dryer.

And now what? He might ring, let himself be discovered in the act of closing the umbrella, and say in an offhand manner, "let me seewhere is the spring?" or something like that. If he had only nerved himself to do it at first; but how explain his long delay, and the rich clay deposits on his feet and ankles? Should he go home, and leave the umbrella on the porch? No; it might blow away, or something, and the latter explanation would be no easier. The only way seemed to be to take the accursed thing and vanish into the night, trusting that on his way to the station some inspired fiction might occur to him. Sadly he looked at the bright window, and tiptoed slowly down the steps, with a sudden rabbit-like acceleration of speed, as the front door knob rattled again.

He reached the station in ample time for the 10.03; but how dispose of the umbrella? The idea of injuring it began to look more attractive; but the neat station and lawn offered no hiding place for the victim's remains. Under the electric light, he examined the works with greater care, and discovering a minute projection hitherto overlooked, manipulated it. With a deceitful show of compliance, the umbrella half closed,

but changed its mind and shot up again with a defiant snap. After repeating this performance three times, Calvert was aware of the growing interest of several loungers, and desisted, as the train approached. He decided to sneak onto the rear platform, stay there until the train was well under way, stamp on his diabolical circus tent, and hurl the quivering fragments into the landscape. He steered his bobbing charge awkwardly to the top step, under the suspicious eye of a brakeman, gave the handle an unpremeditated clutch as the train started, and the umbrella closed demurely, leaving him limp with mingled emotions.

His telegram to Miss Tomlin, an hour later, regretting an acute neuralgic attack and promising to return the umbrella the next day, was accepted with distinct reservations. Mr. Tomlin pointed out that his conduct had been both peculiar and discourteous, and his wife said that a telephone message would have been more sociable, to say the least, while Brother offered several theories, both skeptical and diverting. Bessie said little; but there was a twinkle in her eye which foreboded a severe strain upon young Calvert's veracity, to say nothing of his account at the florist's.